This is why i hate my mother.
She watched her daughter and son gettin hit countless times by my father through my childhood and never made him stop. She let me and my little brother grow up in an environment around a constantly drunk father.
I went through depression starting about 3 and a half years ago and let every day go by seeing her daughter slowly wither away and not get me help or talk to me. I wore a black hoodie everyday, pushed my hair in front of my face, didn't talk to anybody, never left the house except for school and she never said a word to me.
My father passed away January 13th in 2007. After that I cut even more, I tried to commit suicide. I hid liquor under my bed and hardly ever left my room and drank throughout the day to feel closer to me father. I tried hanging myself from the back yard. I became anorexic and belamic at a point in my life. I planned the ways I would kill myself, where and how, how long it would take, which would be the less painful, the less of a mess to clean up afterward. I wrote letters to everyone important to me and to the ppl hat caused all my pain. I asked monthly if she'd get me a therapist.
When he passed we recieved almost $70,000. I told my mother to save $25,000 each for Nick (little brother) and I for college. She said she would. Nick and I recieved $1,000 each to spend on whatever and the rest she spent on herself. On a car and house furniture and nights out. I told her that was our money. Later, I found out that she didn't save any money and she spend all of it. $I only seen a thousand of it. She said my father and her talked about if this happened to get what she needed. That was when they were married. They were divorced for a good 7 years or more and wanted nothing to do with him until he was dead and left money.
When I turned 16, a little less than a year and a half after that, I recieved $6,000 from my life insurance to buy a car. She spend $3,000 of my money and said she saved the rest to earn interest. She spend that too but didn't tell me until almost a year later.
To add on to all of that since he has passed I have gotten 800 and some each month. She used to give me 300 for couple to 150 to 50 to none. This is months and months worth of money she continued to spend.
I told my mother back in May about me trying to commit suicide, about my cutting, and about my drinking and how I needed a therapist now. She promised she'd spend all day the next day to get me one and she lied.
My mother has for years said over and over how she can't trust me because I've lied about friends I was with or where I went. Never have I lied about spending thousands and thousands of her money. My mother is a liar.
November 3rd. I lied to my mother about going to work and spend the day with Felecia. It ended up with Felecia hitting me with her car, me flipping over it and ending up in the hospital when i should have died. My mother walked in angry right off the bat. I'm so thankful I'm alive and the first thing I see is my mother pissed off. GET OVER YOURSELF. Yea I lied, you lie all the time to me. When you find out your daughter gets hit by a car you don't walk in mad, you walk in crying and thanking god I'm okay. After that I told her I needed a therapist again and she didn't get me one until we got in a HUGE fight and she said I was crazy and took me to wellstone. The guy there said I didn't need to stay that I needed a therapist and gave her a list of numbers. It took my mother 3 years to get me a therapist.
My Uncle Hien is in charge of all the money we recieve. I lied to him telling him the same mie's my mother told me. I couldn't take it anymore so I told him the truth. I told him everything. I came home one friday and my mother went through all my emails I sent to him. My brother agreed with everything and was in on it but convinced my mother it was all me. They both yelled at me that day. I couldn't take it anymore and I moved in with my Aunt Debbi.
December check she only gave me 500 agreeing she'd give me the full check from then on. January check she says Missie (her wife) lost her job so she can only give me 600 agreeing for real this time she'll give me the full check for now on. I just found out half an hour ago, and have proof, that Missie did not lose her job, she's quiting after she gets this other job iwth my cousin Heather. My mother lied to me again. She also lied about how i wouldn't get social security anymore after my 18th birthday wven if I was enrolled in a college. My aunt called and found out that I will still get it. My mother lied again.
I have gone through hell and I am proud of myself. I have finally stood up to my mother and found what is right and making sure I get what I deserve. I will not take this anymore. She may have given birth to me but that does not mean she can treat me however she wants to.
I'm looking for a job now and I am going to get emancipated, move out, and go to a great college. I could say I've completely puished my mother out of my life but after writing all this I realized that she pushed me out over the years. &I finally decided to leave and stop her from pushing me any farther.
This is why I hate my mother, this is why Tyler that I have a reason to talk badly, this is my life and the struggle I am overcoming.
Wednesday, June 2
Him
Noun 1. molestation - the act of subjecting someone to unwanted or improper sexual advances or activity (especially women or children)
A lot of people are talking about it. Spreading lies, making it different than the truth, talking about it like everyday gossip. I'm sick of it. I'm not a liar, I am not ashamed. I went through a portion of what women everyday go through. Being molested is a horrible, scary, uncontrollable, and helpless experience. It's something that so many girls, teenagers, and women have gone through, or worse. I am one of those. I think my story can help others who have been through it or help those refrain from getting in the situation.
Monday, January 11th, 7 p.m.
I was at the mall with my friend Ashley. Her friend Brandon was picking her up any moment to hang out. I was about to go to Sarah's but this guy was texting her, telling her he missed me. (My phone was disconnected at the time.) I've known him since middle school and I went out with him once. He never made a move on me unless okay'd by me first and he's always seemed like a nice guy that I could trust. I agreed to stop by and say hi before driving to Sarah's. I got there and he opened his front door and told me to come inside. I asked him if anyone was home, he told me his mom wouldn't be back for a couple hours and his brother was in juvy until wednesday. I was unsure but he was acting normal and nice so I followed.
(Girls, if no one is home. Don't follow. Stay outside or say you just stopped by to say hi, and leave. If he's a friend he'll want to hang out again and not mind if others are around.)
We went to his room and watched tv. I was sitting at the edge of his bed and him at the head. He was smoking weed earlier in the day with friends and said he was still high but I knew he wasn't. I've been around it enough to know how long it lasts. He was fine. He tried kissing me and I kissed back but instantly knew I didn't feel anything for him so pulled away. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that I didn't feel anything for him in that way and that I just wanted to be his friend. He didn't like that. He curled in his lips and I could see the frustration. He leaned in to kiss me again and I leaned back and pushed him off. I told him no and he said 'why' really aggresively. He kept leaning toward me and I pushed him off, so he moved his hands between my legs and started massaging. I reacted as quite as I could, pushed him back to the other end of the bed and yelled at him that he was disgusting and a pig. He grinned so big, laughed hysterically and said, "That's what you get." I'm thinking...Get for what? For saying no? This guy obviously has never been rejected before. He came at me, scaried I reactively leaned back and he got on top of me, holding me down. I tried pushing him off, kicked him back again in the stomach and freaked and kicked him in his face. Before I could get up, he slapped me so hard across the face that I froze. He pushed me down and dug his knee into my stomach where I couldn't breathe if I moved at all. Gasping for air, he held my wrists so tight together, I could feel my bones touching, continued touching me between my legs, then to my boobs, and tried kissing me and kissing my neck. I kept pulling at my arms, kicking my legs, and screaming at him to please stop. I tried so hard to hold the tears in. He took complete advantage of me and I was not going to let him see me cry. He kept at it for a good 5 minutes until I finally got my right hand free. I slapped him in the face, &pushed him off. He back handed me across my jaw so hard I fell to the floor. When I seen him getting up off the bed from the corner of my eye, I ran out of his room, through his house, and out to my car as fast as I could. The whole time I was running out, he was laughing so hard. I cried the worst I've ever cried on the way to Sarah's and pulled over in the neighborhood for 10 minutes to calm down so she wouldn't see me upset.
The first 4 or 5 days, I cried every moment I was alone. I cry so bad that my whole body is in pain. But I'm strong enough to get past this.
I've chosen not to bring the police in it because it would painful hassel. He left no mark, no traces at all, no one was home, no one heard and there is no proof. I won't continue to re-live it. This is the last time I am describing this. I am strong and I will get past this. He will not scar me and he will not damage me. What I went through was a tradgedy but a tradgedy I will heal from.
A lot of people are talking about it. Spreading lies, making it different than the truth, talking about it like everyday gossip. I'm sick of it. I'm not a liar, I am not ashamed. I went through a portion of what women everyday go through. Being molested is a horrible, scary, uncontrollable, and helpless experience. It's something that so many girls, teenagers, and women have gone through, or worse. I am one of those. I think my story can help others who have been through it or help those refrain from getting in the situation.
Monday, January 11th, 7 p.m.
I was at the mall with my friend Ashley. Her friend Brandon was picking her up any moment to hang out. I was about to go to Sarah's but this guy was texting her, telling her he missed me. (My phone was disconnected at the time.) I've known him since middle school and I went out with him once. He never made a move on me unless okay'd by me first and he's always seemed like a nice guy that I could trust. I agreed to stop by and say hi before driving to Sarah's. I got there and he opened his front door and told me to come inside. I asked him if anyone was home, he told me his mom wouldn't be back for a couple hours and his brother was in juvy until wednesday. I was unsure but he was acting normal and nice so I followed.
(Girls, if no one is home. Don't follow. Stay outside or say you just stopped by to say hi, and leave. If he's a friend he'll want to hang out again and not mind if others are around.)
We went to his room and watched tv. I was sitting at the edge of his bed and him at the head. He was smoking weed earlier in the day with friends and said he was still high but I knew he wasn't. I've been around it enough to know how long it lasts. He was fine. He tried kissing me and I kissed back but instantly knew I didn't feel anything for him so pulled away. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that I didn't feel anything for him in that way and that I just wanted to be his friend. He didn't like that. He curled in his lips and I could see the frustration. He leaned in to kiss me again and I leaned back and pushed him off. I told him no and he said 'why' really aggresively. He kept leaning toward me and I pushed him off, so he moved his hands between my legs and started massaging. I reacted as quite as I could, pushed him back to the other end of the bed and yelled at him that he was disgusting and a pig. He grinned so big, laughed hysterically and said, "That's what you get." I'm thinking...Get for what? For saying no? This guy obviously has never been rejected before. He came at me, scaried I reactively leaned back and he got on top of me, holding me down. I tried pushing him off, kicked him back again in the stomach and freaked and kicked him in his face. Before I could get up, he slapped me so hard across the face that I froze. He pushed me down and dug his knee into my stomach where I couldn't breathe if I moved at all. Gasping for air, he held my wrists so tight together, I could feel my bones touching, continued touching me between my legs, then to my boobs, and tried kissing me and kissing my neck. I kept pulling at my arms, kicking my legs, and screaming at him to please stop. I tried so hard to hold the tears in. He took complete advantage of me and I was not going to let him see me cry. He kept at it for a good 5 minutes until I finally got my right hand free. I slapped him in the face, &pushed him off. He back handed me across my jaw so hard I fell to the floor. When I seen him getting up off the bed from the corner of my eye, I ran out of his room, through his house, and out to my car as fast as I could. The whole time I was running out, he was laughing so hard. I cried the worst I've ever cried on the way to Sarah's and pulled over in the neighborhood for 10 minutes to calm down so she wouldn't see me upset.
The first 4 or 5 days, I cried every moment I was alone. I cry so bad that my whole body is in pain. But I'm strong enough to get past this.
I've chosen not to bring the police in it because it would painful hassel. He left no mark, no traces at all, no one was home, no one heard and there is no proof. I won't continue to re-live it. This is the last time I am describing this. I am strong and I will get past this. He will not scar me and he will not damage me. What I went through was a tradgedy but a tradgedy I will heal from.
Thursday, January 28
The Script, this is GENIUS!
"Breakeven"
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got tI'me while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man thats gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven
What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But not wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven
What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)
You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got tI'me while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got tI'me while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man thats gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven
What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But not wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven
What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)
You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got tI'me while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even
What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)
Sunday, January 10
About Chris
I'm stuck between two guys. One of them I don't feel comfortable talking about quite yet but it doesn't matter because he has made it obvious that he doesn't want me. The one I want to write about is Chris. Chris is my ex and when we dated before it was a while back and we were both young and immature. The way he came off both times seemed unserious so i ended them shortly after they started. He's different now. I've hung out with him some and he's so sweet. He's a lot more serious and he's not just all joke. I can tell he's a relationship type of guy and that he'll treat me right. When I realized I wanted to try things with him again I didn't know he had a girlfriend. Thing is, even when he was talking about breaking up with her, he never said anything bad about her. He didn't put her down, he just voiced some of her flaws in how she acted but not as a person. He doesn't know but because of that I have so much more respect for him. In makes me feel confident that he won't talk shit about me even if our relationship goes down hill. He's such a sweet guy and I think if I took the time to see that before then I wouldn't have ended it. He deserves a lot more than how I treated him and I hope I can give him what he deserves now. He's very generous and honest and I'm not scared that he'll hide his feelings from me or cheat. Chris means a lot to me already and the fact that I've known him for so long makes me feel a lot better about us. I know the type of person he is and I've never heard of him disrespecting a girl ever. All I have left to do is kiss him and I hope that I feel something there. If not, I'm screwed.
Tuesday, December 1
Suicide...
Is it turning into a common thing now in teens? One of my great friends, Kelso, found out in school today that her cousin hung herself. Her mom opened her daughters dor ata rounf 3:30 a.m. this morning and she seen her daughter hanging from her ceiling fan by her red scarf. It was said by Kelso's other cousin that Sarah(the cousin) and her boyfriend broke up and she said she was going to kill herself and he didn't believe her. It's not his fault but I wish people took cutting and suicidal people more seriously. It's not a joke, this is people lives were talking about. Thats as serious as it gets. I don't want to lose any of my friends. I feel bad for past friends who were depressed n I gave up on them. They might have betrayed me but what would I do if they ended their life? I'd be distraught. I want to help suicidal and depressed teens. I don't know how but I will. I've been through it and I know somehow my story will help others.
Sunday, November 29
M.I.K.
It hurt what you did. I like you, a lot. &You go kissing on your ex girlfriend when I trusted you were done with her. You betray my trust. You promise your done with her but what...kissing and hickey's don't apply in that? We fight constantly and I'm done fighting. I've been through relationships like that and in the end it's not worth it. I don't feel a connection and you've done pushed me away. You've managed to constantly make me feel like a slut and you talked down to me like a child. I don't play that shit. I'm worth tons more than what your giving off so I'm done wasting my time on someone who keeps hurting me. Were not going anywhere because you don't make me happy. You just keep making me cry. &Your not worth my tears. What you've done to me is not worth my time so I'm done Cass. I want my space so back the hell off.
Ive Realized What I've Done & I'm Sorry.
November 25, 2009 {Myspace}
I've Realized What I've Done & I'm Sorry.
I'm going through a lot. The part I didn't realize is that your going through a lot too. I was so focused on me getting better and I didn't see that you needed me too. You weren't here because I haven't been here for you. I deserve every word you continued to throw at me. I know there's a wall there. You let it down for me tonight, maybe just for a little while but I know that that was hard. I know I begged for 2 minutes but I wasn't going to give up on you. I hope you know how much I care. When I was still in the mind set that you were completely wrong, I couldn't let you off that phone and I prayed you wouldn't hang up. I would have went anyway but I wanted you to want me there. We're really sensitive and emotional. The difference is I show myself completely to the world with no fear of what I'll get in return and it frustrates me that you don't. That's not something to be upset with you about and I'll stop. I'll stop being selfish toward you, and asking for so much that I'm not giving in return. I want to be here. I want to stay here. I want to be someone you turn to. &I'm so far from that right now. But you haven't let go of me and I hope you keep holding on. I'm sorry. For all of it. Every angry word, every minute that I was upset. If only I knew why, I would have turned it around so much sooner. I just thought you didn't care. I hated you for that. I hated that it seemed like the accident was no big deal to you and the accident is changing who I am. It's sucking the life out of me and it runs down my face every night and it's forced out of my lungs after a horrible nightmare. It's the air I breathe now and it effects me every day. I won't get in the passenger seat of a car unless I have to. I won't walk across the street unless I absolutely have to. I freak when a friend is too far in the road even if the road is empty of cars. The look of headlights makes my heart race faster than any lover could cause. It's the fear sitting inside of me just laughing at my weakness. &I want to kill it and end it so bad that the moments you were dealing with so much shit and it wasn't with my 'bullshit' I got angry with you. I've been acting like the heartless bitch, not you Fe. I'm sorry I wasn't here. I'm sorry that I pushed you out of my life like I said I wouldn't. &Maybe I pushed you out of my everyday life but you were never completely gone. I have the messaged saved in my phone. The first one's that you sent me after our huge fight on the phone. I held on even when I said I was done. I couldn't give up. I'm not strong enough to. &I'm not scared to admit that. I love you Fe and I'm going to be here for now on.
I've Realized What I've Done & I'm Sorry.
I'm going through a lot. The part I didn't realize is that your going through a lot too. I was so focused on me getting better and I didn't see that you needed me too. You weren't here because I haven't been here for you. I deserve every word you continued to throw at me. I know there's a wall there. You let it down for me tonight, maybe just for a little while but I know that that was hard. I know I begged for 2 minutes but I wasn't going to give up on you. I hope you know how much I care. When I was still in the mind set that you were completely wrong, I couldn't let you off that phone and I prayed you wouldn't hang up. I would have went anyway but I wanted you to want me there. We're really sensitive and emotional. The difference is I show myself completely to the world with no fear of what I'll get in return and it frustrates me that you don't. That's not something to be upset with you about and I'll stop. I'll stop being selfish toward you, and asking for so much that I'm not giving in return. I want to be here. I want to stay here. I want to be someone you turn to. &I'm so far from that right now. But you haven't let go of me and I hope you keep holding on. I'm sorry. For all of it. Every angry word, every minute that I was upset. If only I knew why, I would have turned it around so much sooner. I just thought you didn't care. I hated you for that. I hated that it seemed like the accident was no big deal to you and the accident is changing who I am. It's sucking the life out of me and it runs down my face every night and it's forced out of my lungs after a horrible nightmare. It's the air I breathe now and it effects me every day. I won't get in the passenger seat of a car unless I have to. I won't walk across the street unless I absolutely have to. I freak when a friend is too far in the road even if the road is empty of cars. The look of headlights makes my heart race faster than any lover could cause. It's the fear sitting inside of me just laughing at my weakness. &I want to kill it and end it so bad that the moments you were dealing with so much shit and it wasn't with my 'bullshit' I got angry with you. I've been acting like the heartless bitch, not you Fe. I'm sorry I wasn't here. I'm sorry that I pushed you out of my life like I said I wouldn't. &Maybe I pushed you out of my everyday life but you were never completely gone. I have the messaged saved in my phone. The first one's that you sent me after our huge fight on the phone. I held on even when I said I was done. I couldn't give up. I'm not strong enough to. &I'm not scared to admit that. I love you Fe and I'm going to be here for now on.
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