Ive Realized What I've Done & I'm Sorry.

November 25, 2009 {Myspace}

I've Realized What I've Done & I'm Sorry.
I'm going through a lot. The part I didn't realize is that your going through a lot too. I was so focused on me getting better and I didn't see that you needed me too. You weren't here because I haven't been here for you. I deserve every word you continued to throw at me. I know there's a wall there. You let it down for me tonight, maybe just for a little while but I know that that was hard. I know I begged for 2 minutes but I wasn't going to give up on you. I hope you know how much I care. When I was still in the mind set that you were completely wrong, I couldn't let you off that phone and I prayed you wouldn't hang up. I would have went anyway but I wanted you to want me there. We're really sensitive and emotional. The difference is I show myself completely to the world with no fear of what I'll get in return and it frustrates me that you don't. That's not something to be upset with you about and I'll stop. I'll stop being selfish toward you, and asking for so much that I'm not giving in return. I want to be here. I want to stay here. I want to be someone you turn to. &I'm so far from that right now. But you haven't let go of me and I hope you keep holding on. I'm sorry. For all of it. Every angry word, every minute that I was upset. If only I knew why, I would have turned it around so much sooner. I just thought you didn't care. I hated you for that. I hated that it seemed like the accident was no big deal to you and the accident is changing who I am. It's sucking the life out of me and it runs down my face every night and it's forced out of my lungs after a horrible nightmare. It's the air I breathe now and it effects me every day. I won't get in the passenger seat of a car unless I have to. I won't walk across the street unless I absolutely have to. I freak when a friend is too far in the road even if the road is empty of cars. The look of headlights makes my heart race faster than any lover could cause. It's the fear sitting inside of me just laughing at my weakness. &I want to kill it and end it so bad that the moments you were dealing with so much shit and it wasn't with my 'bullshit' I got angry with you. I've been acting like the heartless bitch, not you Fe. I'm sorry I wasn't here. I'm sorry that I pushed you out of my life like I said I wouldn't. &Maybe I pushed you out of my everyday life but you were never completely gone. I have the messaged saved in my phone. The first one's that you sent me after our huge fight on the phone. I held on even when I said I was done. I couldn't give up. I'm not strong enough to. &I'm not scared to admit that. I love you Fe and I'm going to be here for now on.