November 3rd-Tuesday-I'm supposed to give blood right after school. For the first time in my life I have gotten sick from a flu shot and therefore I am congested. Therefore I cannot give blood. Kinda glad I couldn't because I chose the complicated one. I was told they take twice as much blood, separate it into this complicated shit and then put back in you whatever they don't need. Guess I'm kinda luck.
A little after 5pm...Texting Felecia. She's just home and I really want to see her. I asked if she wanted me to come over even though I knew the answer..."sure". I'm just kinda sitting around in her room while she cleans up which is usually what i do when I'm over there. I think it makes her nervous...she continues for the next hour to ask, "are you hungry?", "can i get you anything?", "are you sure your not hungry?" It's pretty adorable. &The rest of the time she just glances up at me, smiles, and finds another thing to do. This is only when she's not staring at herself in the mirror and combing her hair with her fingers. Eventually she starts naming stuff in her kitchen thinking I'll actually eat something. I'm sure Ill say no to every thing but then she says peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I'm stuck in her bathroom, where I was standing, lean back and smile. So she fixed me a peanut butter sandwich {without the nasty jelly} on wheat bread and a glass of skim milk...my fav. She doesn't know this but I've always hated wheat bread and pretty much anything wheat but it's not so bad when she makes it.
Bobbi keeps hitting up my phone, wanting us to come over so I hurry to finish eating and Fe hurries to finish whatever else she was doing...i thought she was already done cleaning a while before. I'm sick of driving and whenever fe and I hang out we always take my car so i asked if we could take hers instead. I like the sound of her car...and I LOVE her sunroof. Id prefer to drive in her car anyday. Shes got a really good taste in music so i like whatever she puts on, the windows are down, the sunroof open :), and the loud sound of her car drowns out the sucky thoughts running through my head. Looking at me from the outside I might seem uncomfortable, upset, and like I'm ignoring the person or something but I just wanted to relax. I love closing my eyes, feeling the cold wind against me and the music blaring in my ears. Its amazing. One of those moment things I live for.
Finally to Charlestown we passed a cop on the right so Fe tried to figure out whether she had her brights on or not...??? Idk. As I'm sitting up as far as i can trying to read the street name signs so we don't pass up Bobbi's i told her to pass the slow ass truck in front of us n that she could make it. Mistake. Her car is a cop magnet. She sped up to pass the truck so we wouldn't miss the street but the cop was behind her. She got her 2nd speeding ticket for the week. I felt HORRIBLE! We eventually make it to Bobbi's street and she had already started walking up the road. Fe convinced Bobbi to trust her and sat on her trunk why Fe proceeded to slowly drive up to her house. We left the car at Bobbi's and started walking to our destination. Our destination? I have no clue. Bobbi said she had a secret place that she wanted to show us, well preferably me. We got about a block and a half down and started arguing about just how far this place was. It was freezing out so Fe ran to get her car and Bobbi and I walked slowly back with each other & talking about Fe. Bobbi said that she was really awesome and all I could do was smile and agree. She pulled up and I opened the door for Bobbi. We drove up the curvy road which made us crack up a little bit for no reason at all but that were complete idiots. I love these guys.... We drove up this path and Bobbi started yelling at Felecia to pull over and park but Fe wanted to just drive all the way there. Bobbi freaked saying that we weren't allowed to be there and Fe's car was too loud so we had to park on the side trail. We left the car and continued to walk in the freezing cold to some place that no one knew about except hyper ass Bobbi Joe. We got up that path and turned right. There was a freaky corn field on our left. Bobbi n Fe were joking about "Children of the Corn" but i have never seen it so I was just scared of the dark. Fe ran into the field and continued to run through. Bobbi and I just stared into the corn and tried to keep track of where she was. For a moment I freaked and told Bobbi that I felt like this was a bad idea and that we should turn around. I told her that I felt in my gut that something bad was going to happen and that every time in the past that i felt this way, something horrible happened. She said it was all going to be alright and for some reason I couldn't say anymore, like i had to keep going and had to trust that she was right. Bobbi started yelling at Fe that there was a little creek coming up so she should come out. It's not until she seen some kind of animal run in front of her and until she got slapped in the face with a cob or corn that she finally came out. I wrapped my arms around Fe and she started complaining about how I got her sick. "Not my problem that you can't stay off of me." Was my pretty cute response. She smiled at me and asked, "wanna bet?" "No, no I don't." The last thing I wanted was for her to stay off of me when it was freezing cold in this open field and we were in the dark. We passed this small patch of forest on out left and the next thing I know, Bobbi stops, points out the the left and says, "Look kay."
I can still see it now, the moon. It was the most beautiful sight I've ever seen of the moon. It was a completely open field. No trees, poles, or buildings in the way of it. There were small mists of clouds crossing the front of the moon. One on the top crossing it completely, one in the middle crossing just through the middle but more to the left, and one on the bottom crossing it completely like the cloud on top but stopping a little shorter at the right end of the moon. The moon was full and the biggest i've ever seen it. It filled the sky that night. &The color was absolutely gorgeous. Like it caught the perfect orange/yellow tint of the sunset and held on to it for the night. Fe was joking around but I told her nicely to shut up and to just not ruin this moment for me. Bobbi is my sister. I'm leaving for Vietnam at the beginning of the year and I wasn't sure how long I'm staying for so she wanted to show me this before i left because she knew i'd appreciate this earth and it's beautiful creations more than anyone else. After i couldn't feel my legs any longer we started to walk back. For a short moment I ran because i was freezing then stopped when my breathing peaked. I felt an asthma attack coming on. Fe started being cute and ran off somewhere. I don't know where, I wasn't paying any attention to her. Bobbi and I walked until I ran off the side of the path and started throwing up. I knew this was going to be bad. My breaths started to shorten and my stomach was turning. Every few minutes I was throwing up again and coughing my lungs up. I clutched my collar and begged for air to fill my lungs. You never know how precious every breathe is to you and how satisfying it is when air fills your lungs until it's taken away from you. It was the scariest thing that has happened to me, having an asthma attack that is. I told Bobbi i was alright even tho i knew I wasn't but she called Fe anyway and told her I was sick and to hurry and get her car. Bobbi knew I'd have to go to the hospital or I wouldn't make it through the night without my breathing machine or an inhaler. Bobbi was standing on the left side of the path now {right side from when we were walking toward the secret place}. I seen Fe driving really slow up the path and turn right, continuing slowly toward us. Her car sounded like she was going extremely fast but I knew she was probably going barely 15 mph. I felt some more coughs coming and ran to the other side of the path and threw up close the the creek. I was far enough that Fe couldn't see me. Last I looked she was so far away and throwing up I thought Id only took a sec. I knew id have to be on the other side of the path to get in so I started to walk toward Bobbi. At this point I was no longer in control of myself. I couldn't feel my legs or my body. I felt like I HAD to cross that street like it was impulse. Like someone coming at you, you flinch. Or if you trip you move your hands and arms in front of you to catch your fall. You can't control it. At this point your body has taken over you by impulse. When I reached the middle of the path, time froze. I was hunched over still from throwing up. I seen Fe's headlights right by my legs and I heard her car screeching to a sudden stop.
I blacked out.
I opened my eyes. The left side of this next image was mostly the beautiful navy sky with random stars here and there. The right side was Fe. Her black jacket, white shirt, and her awesome cross necklace. Then my blood. She wiped the side of my head and more blood. She looked down at my hands and opened her mouth but hesitation shined through her teeth as she looked down confused at what to do. I asked her what happened and she said that I walked in front of the car and she tried to stop but she hit me. What?...I didn't remember. I panicked immediately and started crying. I started moving one body part at a time to see what was left of me. My left thumb was throbbing, I could feel my blood dripping fast down the right side of my head into my ear and my hair. My left leg seemed fine but my right thigh burned horribly! Fe rubbed slightly against my right thigh and I cringed in pain. I remember telling her, "Your touching my thigh, it hurts. Don't touch my thigh." I heard Bobbi asking if i was okay, oh no, Bobbi! She seen everything. I felt guilt rushing in. I looked up to her and she was crying and begging to know if I was okay. Fe told her to call 911 and for them to send an ambulance right away. I knew I had to be strong so for Bobbi so I told her that I was okay that it didn't hurt so bad even though moments before I was telling Fe that it hurt. I made Fe hold onto my hand. I blacked out for some moments after but I remember asking Fe to go to the hospital and to stay with me there. I asked her to promise me that she'd stay no matter what so she did. I knew she wasn't lieing. I don't know how much time passed but I remember hearing the ambulance and Bobbi telling them they went the wrong way and to go back but go straight. After blacking out some more I remember being surrounded my officers, fire fighters, and EMTs but Fe's hand was gone. I kept saying her name as loud as I could but no one was saying anything back. The lady to my left asked me questions about my self and the officer asked me what happened. I remember repeating the story multiple times. When Fe and Bobbi were finally around I kept telling them I was sorry. Bobbi cried and told me it wasn't my fault. Fe just smiled at me and said it was alright, not to worry about it. Fe was staying strong for me. How could she do it? I heard ripping down by my feet and Bobbi said, "You know, kay, that they're cutting your only skinny jeans." It hit me then..."Your fucking cutting my skinny jeans? Are you serious right now dude? OMG my skinny jeans! I loved these things!" Or something like that. Blacking out some more...
The old man showed up then. He owned the land we were on and he was just standing there still as a statue staring down at me. I froze and all I could do was stare right back. The officer told him to leave but he wouldn't budge. He told the man that if he didn't leave they'd have to arrest him. Fe later on told me that she told him I wasn't from here but he kept saying that I looked pretty damn familiar. All I know is that he looked dead up like my Papaw...who has been dead for a while. Same hat, and same clothes.
When they tried to put me on a board to get me into the ambulance I remember screaming in pain because they kept touching my thigh and it hurt the worst. The rest of my body had slowly started numbing which would have worried me but I just wanted the pain to stop. After getting into the ambulance the lady that was to my left on the cold ground started cleaning me up. She scraped my cut and i started screaming in pain. I gave her all my information and tried to keep still while we drove over the bumpy path. So i made conversation...
"You know that girl Felecia, my friend?"
"Yea"
"I like her a lot."
"Oh yea?"
"I was thinking about asking her to the movies this weekend. You think Ill be pretty enough."
Laugh. "Idk maybe. You are very beautiful now honey."
"Thanks...well i hope she says yes. I've been wanting to ask her out. Shes cute as hell, I swear. She held my hand until you guys got here."
"Sounds like a good friend you got there."
"Well I know I look bad and it might be from pity but I don't care, as long as she says yes."
Another laugh.
Blacked out again.
I don't remember much about the hospital. A lot of screaming, a lot of pain, and a lot of x-rays. I know I screamed for Fe the whole time. My mom said things about bobbi and jamie and my brother but not Fe. Where was she? Was she okay? I had no fucking clue and this killed me. By the time I was done with the x-rays and stuff I got to see Bobbi and Jamie. WHERE IN THE FUCK WAS FELECIA? I was PISSED OFF. I went completely off. Screaming, jerking around, and the nurse threatened to sedate me if I didn't calm down. I didn't give a fuck anymore. I just got hit by a car and she thought she could threaten me with drugs? This nurse was retarded. My mom said Miss and Fe got in a fight because Fe wouldn't leave. =] She kept her promise to me. She stood up for the promise she gave me. I needed to talk to her so my mom let me call her. She was gone. The doc made her leave. HELL NO! I got off the phone, let all the anger just fill me completely up, looked at my mom and said, "You said she was outside. She left?! WHAT?!" I was in tears again. The doc came in and this bitch nurse and started scrubbing at my eye. They had to wipe all the dry blood away so they could glue it shut. Once he touched me Fe was out of my mind and fear was in. I clutched onto the hospital bed rails, tightened up all my muscles, and screamed as loud as I could as the fear and pain ran down my face in a unstoppable flood. He said he could inject it and numb it but no way was a fucking needle going into my face right now. FUCK THAT SHIT! I told him to just clean it and glue it shut. As the bitch nurse told me not to move and the doc told me it was almost done and that I was doing well I thought about how ugly I'd look at school the next day. After the pain and tears and my mom cringing at the sound of my screams I asked if I was going to school. Bobbi and her laughed and said I wouldn't be going for the rest of the week. Well there you go! The doc let me leave so i waited as my mom got the car and a nice nurse went to get me a wheel chair. Fuck...I had a thong on and my ass was hanging out of this dress thing...shit. Thank gosh for blankets. I got in the wheel chair wrapped in a thin white hospital blanket and was rolled to the doors. I waited patiently and got into my jetta with a huge lump in my throat. I wanted to hurry and get the hell out of this car.
I rolled away with not one stitch. I had no broken anything or fractures. I received a sprang left thumb, a cut above my right eye, a messed up and swollen left knee and a painful right thigh filled with blood and swollen to the size of 2 softballs. I was their miracle. I should have died in that field.
It's November 7th now-saturday-and it's 9:58 at night. Not a lot of people have came to see me but Fe has managed to see me every day. It's not near as long as I want it to be but theres only so much you can expect from someone. I guess I have too big a heart. Felecia, Bobbi, and I are the only ones that will ever understand what happened in that field that night. Bobbi hasn't been so strong but I know she cares with all her heart about me and she checks up on me constantly. I haven't seen her this week but I think it would be too hard to anyway. Every time i fall asleep I have nightmares that wake me up crying, sweating, shaking, and breathing fast. With medicine I can sleep for hours but without it, I can sleep as less as 5 minutes before I wake up scared shitless. I have flashbacks through out the day constantly. It was every 30 seconds but now it's every few minutes. When Fe is around I don't have flashbacks or nightmares. I'm free from the fear that holds me from living my life the way I want. I need Fe more than I want to ever need anybody. I don't need anybody in life but damn this girl has me. I like her a lot but I don't need her for that. I need her because shes a part of my life now. This accident, this fear is now most of who I am and will be for a long while and Fe is a part of that and will be a part of me as long as it is. She hides it from me and I don't think about it when shes around but it's getting to the point where she has no fear in her expressions. I feel as if shes not hurt by this. The way she seems so carefree and just untouched by the accident it seems horrifying. She said she felt horrible once. I feel so guilty but I'm convinced she doesn't. I'm convinced she doesn't care about me, about what happened. Shes untouched, doesn't feel guilty, doesn't feel scared, doesn't feel upset that i was so close to death. I'm convinced she doesn't give a shit. Anyone can say they care but not a lot will really SHOW it to you. I need it to be shown by her. She's open but not with her heart. She doesn't show a lot of people herself, completely to the core, but she will show me. It might not be soon but I will not give up on her. I know i will get over this wall she has built up and it will be worth the tears, the anger, and the confusion shes causing me. I know, i just know she cares and shes just as upset and hurt as I am I just haven't seen it yet. But I have faith that i will. I need Fe and tuesday night she became one of the most important people in my life. She's going through a lot and I plan to be here through it all. I won't let her out of my life. Ive said some things out of anger but I'm not strong enough to stay away from her. She needs me too. Maybe she doesn't know it and maybe its not near as much as I need her but in a way she does. Fe is a really incredible person and my goal is to climb over that wall of hers. Until then I'm happy to see her for a little while a day, just having her smile close and the flashbacks far back in my head for a minute is enough to satisfy me. A lot of people say a lot of negative things about her but these people don't know her or never cared enough to try to figure out who Fe really is. Unlucky sons of bitches.
I have therapy wednesday. What happened tuesday night is my worst nightmare and it's as real as anything. I'll be spending however long getting over my tramatic experience and I could use as much help as I can get.
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