For the one I need...

Written November 11, 2009 {Myspace}

For the one I need...

I'm sorry. I messed up. I let my anger take the best of me and I was a fucking asshole toward you. Never should I yell at a women, let alone raise my voice. I let my anger with my mother overtake the frustration with you. I feel like shit and I deserved the hang up and the rest of tonight to make myself feel even worse for this. I'm sorry Fe. I'm sorry you seen a side of me that I rarely let out. You didn't deserve that. My reasons are no excuse but you don't see what I see in you, and you need to. You are so important to me, you have no clue. I'm the realist person you will ever meet. When your my friend I'm here for you no matter what. I don't talk to a lot of people anymore but no matter what they've done to me the moment they call and say they need me, I'm there. Your not letting me in and its frustrating but I'll wait. I won't stop trying. I don't understand why you don't know why your so important to me. Was it not you in that field? Was it not you I was with when I came closer to death than I've ever been? This moment will be with me forever and your a part of that. When I'm having these nightmares and flashbacks and thinking constantly of how much this makes me appreciate life, your part of that. I think of you 24/7. It might not be in a way someone usually thinks of someone that much but I do. Fe you might be dating other girls and talking to more than just me but I'm a one person person. I won't talk to other girls or kiss other girls as long as whatever we have going on, is still continuing. It's just how I am. I'm the most faithful person in this world even when me being what i think is unfaithful, is actually faithful. I don't like talking to more than one girl because it makes me feel sluty. Not that it is, it's just who I am. I appreciate women more than anything and respect them immensly. But I didn't tonight, and I'm more sorry than you'll ever understand Fe. I fucked up. I don't know what to tell you to do. It's not that you didn't come see me it's that you didn't even talk to me. Ask me, don't assume it right away. I don't know or anyone like you so it's hard to read you. What I read...is carelessness. Maybe no one has cared for you so much. Maybe that's why you don't see how much I'm here for you even when I'm not the person you turn to. I guess I've always been this way. I have a HUGE heart. Just meeting someone new I care so much already. I'm such a loving person and honestly, you don't seem to be used to people as emotional and big hearted as me when just meeting them so I'm scared to show my full self to you. I'm scared you'll run away cause you won't be able to handle it or you'll take it the wrong way. The way someone madly in love acts toward someone, how they're there no matter what, 24/7, soon as you need them. Thats how I am. I'm there, always. Id give up the world for someone who just needed to talk for a minute. I'd give up my life for someone who just wanted a second of my attention. So it's hard when someone says they're not reliable. Friends to me are everything. When they do something wrong I don't hesitate to tell them to go fuck themselves but it hurts like hell when they do me wrong. More than heart break from a love lost. Friends are there like no one else. They're there more than a lover will ever be. Not a lot of people see that, but i do. &Knowing that, when i lose a friend, it kills me. But I wont stand for their games and constant backstabbing. Im rambling huh?...Idk. I just, i treat people so well and when I get less than what I'm giving off, its frustrating and it upsets me. I forget that I'm one of those people that will always care more, no matter who the person is. So I'm sorry you seen my anger because I'm frustrated with you because it seems like i care more about you than you even care about your own life.

You drive me crazy. You have these moments where your so depressed and its like you just want to give up and just die already and I want to throw something at you. Like SERIOUSLY! Maybe i'm just an optimistic asshole who sees only the good. Cause what i see, your so lucky. Look at the world Fe, theres more out there. There's other chances at love, other chances at everything. You have to be open minded enough to allow them chances in. You have a chance...your lucky that you have the next seconds of life to look forward to and theres people thinking, what second will it be over? People that are hanging on to every moment that passes praying that it's not the last. EVERY moment. Like now, now, now, and now. &You know what your doing right now...youll be doing...right now. LUCKY. I think you have a lot more to see in life that your oblivious to. Your depressed over all these things adding up but honestly, some of these things I wish I even had. Your lucky to be able to stress over things that doesn't even exist for others. I'm hoping your not thinking, oh fuck you kayla, cause its not where i'm trying to go. I'm just upset that you manage to have all this good in your life and completely blind to it all. Your so insecure, but so beautiful. Your so depressed, but have so much to be happy about. Stopping living on the bad. It's your fault your depressed. It's your choice to hang onto these things. Change it. Because you have the time to. &Not everyone does. Your lucky. Take advantage of that.

I love you Fe. Your important to me because even though it wasn't exactly what I was looking for, you were here every day that week of the accident. Because you make me smile. Because you fought for a promise you made me. Because you came over to my apartment even though you didn't want to be here. Because your sweet. Because you care enough to say sorry. Because whenever I'm convinced your a careless bitch at times, i call you and your voice says a different story. Because you shared the biggest memory of my life with me. Because i woke up to you. You held my hand until I couldn't remember anymore. You didn't mean to hit me with your car. Your hugs are amazing. You respect me. Your honest with me. Your an amazing person. You have a fucking sexy ass style. Your hair is awesome. You let me read your personal journals. You put me on your top. You stole a cone with me. You call me when your lost in louisville even though i cant help you. You make delicious spaghetti. You smell good. You ask if im hungry 20 times even though i say no over and over again. You got me the best cd in the world. You know to put on fireflies when im even remotely upset. You drive when I'm scared to. You worry that i might have an asthma attack. You got me a card =). You like my ass. You don't look at my messed up eye. You ran in a corn field and got hit in the face with a cob of corn. Because you make me laugh. I can be myself around you. I trust you with my life. You make the fear go away. You read my poems. You have a sunroof. You like my snoring. You gave me a place to sleep when I didn't have one. You almost ditched me once because you didn't want me to have to give up a friend one night & you still go {that meant a lot to me Fe}. You try not to blow smoke in my face. You work at one of the greatest stores in clarksville. You care, I know you do. Just show it more than in these selfless moments.

I only don't like that you kill fish.

Did i get a smile in there? That's what i was shooting for. Maybe these are lame reasons for you to be important to me but I cherish every moment and these moments mean something to me because they exist at all. Yea i care, a lot. Too much? Impossible. You just don't care enough. I'm here Fe, don't push me away. Be here too and not when it's just convenient for you. I feel like a plan in your schedule. Not a friend.

Again Felecia, I'm sorry I let my anger get the best of me. I know you understand but I'm sorry i was a bitch to you. I'm not like that to people who don't deserve it. I'll make it up to you, promise.

P.S. I need to tell you someone. I need to tell you in person because I need to see your eyes when i tell you. It's the reason i had a bad day and was on the nurse's bathroom floor in a ball crying my eyes out. It's the reason i left school early and broke down from the flashbacks of it. Its another nightmare I'm having.