M.I.K.

It hurt what you did. I like you, a lot. &You go kissing on your ex girlfriend when I trusted you were done with her. You betray my trust. You promise your done with her but what...kissing and hickey's don't apply in that? We fight constantly and I'm done fighting. I've been through relationships like that and in the end it's not worth it. I don't feel a connection and you've done pushed me away. You've managed to constantly make me feel like a slut and you talked down to me like a child. I don't play that shit. I'm worth tons more than what your giving off so I'm done wasting my time on someone who keeps hurting me. Were not going anywhere because you don't make me happy. You just keep making me cry. &Your not worth my tears. What you've done to me is not worth my time so I'm done Cass. I want my space so back the hell off.

Ive Realized What I've Done & I'm Sorry.

November 25, 2009 {Myspace}

I've Realized What I've Done & I'm Sorry.
I'm going through a lot. The part I didn't realize is that your going through a lot too. I was so focused on me getting better and I didn't see that you needed me too. You weren't here because I haven't been here for you. I deserve every word you continued to throw at me. I know there's a wall there. You let it down for me tonight, maybe just for a little while but I know that that was hard. I know I begged for 2 minutes but I wasn't going to give up on you. I hope you know how much I care. When I was still in the mind set that you were completely wrong, I couldn't let you off that phone and I prayed you wouldn't hang up. I would have went anyway but I wanted you to want me there. We're really sensitive and emotional. The difference is I show myself completely to the world with no fear of what I'll get in return and it frustrates me that you don't. That's not something to be upset with you about and I'll stop. I'll stop being selfish toward you, and asking for so much that I'm not giving in return. I want to be here. I want to stay here. I want to be someone you turn to. &I'm so far from that right now. But you haven't let go of me and I hope you keep holding on. I'm sorry. For all of it. Every angry word, every minute that I was upset. If only I knew why, I would have turned it around so much sooner. I just thought you didn't care. I hated you for that. I hated that it seemed like the accident was no big deal to you and the accident is changing who I am. It's sucking the life out of me and it runs down my face every night and it's forced out of my lungs after a horrible nightmare. It's the air I breathe now and it effects me every day. I won't get in the passenger seat of a car unless I have to. I won't walk across the street unless I absolutely have to. I freak when a friend is too far in the road even if the road is empty of cars. The look of headlights makes my heart race faster than any lover could cause. It's the fear sitting inside of me just laughing at my weakness. &I want to kill it and end it so bad that the moments you were dealing with so much shit and it wasn't with my 'bullshit' I got angry with you. I've been acting like the heartless bitch, not you Fe. I'm sorry I wasn't here. I'm sorry that I pushed you out of my life like I said I wouldn't. &Maybe I pushed you out of my everyday life but you were never completely gone. I have the messaged saved in my phone. The first one's that you sent me after our huge fight on the phone. I held on even when I said I was done. I couldn't give up. I'm not strong enough to. &I'm not scared to admit that. I love you Fe and I'm going to be here for now on.

My aunts.

My mom and I fight constantly. We can't get along and I hate her. She's lied to me so I lie to her. She's been heartless so I act heartless toward her. I'm exactly like her but she says I'm nothing like her, nothing like my father, and she doesn't know who I came from. I also deserved to get hit by a car since I lied to her about where I was that night. Anyways the point is that she kicked me out friday after school. I'm living with my aunt and I have a forever open invitation to live with my best friend Bobbi Joe if need be. I love it here. It's quiet at night but I don't feel alone. During the day it's impossible to stay in one place so your interacting with everyone and I feel so loved. Also my aunt has set rules for me. My mom didn't have anything to abide by. It's just you ask and you have no clue what kind of answer you'll get. I like to have rules to follow and have an idea of what she'll say. I also like that they don't intrude on my business or ask constantly whats wrong. Their just hear for me and all ears when I need to talk. Their very understanding and for the first time in so long, I feel like I have a home. &Not just one home. I have two. One here and one with Bobbi. I'd have to say, even though I've lost my mother and my brother and I miss my little brother and my dog like hell. I am one of the luckiest girls in the world. This is all for now, but I'll write back soon. Good night. Good life.

Venting

I continue to shock myself with how fast i can move past things. Confidence does a lot. To know what your worth and what you deserve has been the most helpful thing in my life. I've gotten over my past loves which not many people can say and one is like a sister to me as the other is no longer in my life for afterward friend purposes. &The girls that come in and out of my life really have left no scar on me. I think they'll be great, then realize their sluts, drunks, potheads, or doing absolutely nothing with their life's and it's easy to just know that it's not worth the disappointment and move past it. &All the friends that have backstabbed me and called me a cunt, I waste no time on it. Just move on. I don't continue to bring it up {except now} and I don't stress over it. If they can take the time to talk shit, don't take the time to even think about them twice. Their not worth it so move on. A lot of people give this as advice but I'm living it. I'm not the person that says "were done" but ends up back in your life. When I say, "were done" or "im done" i mean it. Don't expect to see or hear from me again because it won't happen. &In the rare cases that I do end up back in your life, it's because you've proven to me that you really do care and you truly are sorry. &If i believe it won't happen again. But I no longer trust too easily or too less. I'm exactly where i want to be. My scars are healing from the accident and soon i will no longer look in the mirror and see my worst nightmare flash before my eyes. Yes, I'm going to have this nasty scar above my eye but it's nothing some flipped hair can't cover. At least until I'm past the accident. I've never been so strong before in my life and I'd like to thank everyone who has ever been a part of my life because your all the reason I'm here today. I truly love my life and everything about it. It's shocking the things people do to you that seem so horrible it's inhuman but it's also shocking that someone can be so strong. I've managed to shock myself. A girl that used to wear a black hoodie everyday, keep her hair in her face, cut in secret, wish for death to approach soon, and do nothing but sit in her room and cry her days away is now this strong independent and fucking gorgeous young women that is headed to be a mathematician graduated from ball state and a life full of amazing friends and no regrets. Dad would be proud. Because I know I am =)

Girls are weak. Lesbians are sluts.

Written November 16, 2009 {Myspace}

Girls are Weak.Lesbians are sluts.

How did girls come to this? Every single girl I've started talking to is stuck on their ex. EX. There's a reason why their not your GIRLFRIEND. I want badly to say get over it but that's too harsh even for me. But seriously. Your trying to move on with someone else when you haven't even moved on from them. Ever heard of the phrase...You can't be happy with someone else until your happy with yourself...? Thats true you know. You have to move on from them and be happy before you move into someone elses arms. They're your life? No honey, their not. You lived before them and you will live after them. &When your crying and shit because you can't get over the fact that they have already moved on, remember that it's your fault you keep holding on. &To those lesbians of you that only want a piece of ass, stop being a damn slut. Do you know how many girls have asked me if I want to "hook" up. It's disgusting. Most of you have seriously gotten to the point when you no longer care about yourself and just want to slut around. You'll be so proud of that one day. I'd be ashamed. In a way i'm glad that I know a very small amount of lesbians. Because just with the ones I know now most are just disappointing. Is this what i have to look up to? A world full of lesbians who just want to hook up and move on until they can win their ex's back? This is pathetic. Stop disrespecting yourselves cause it's no wonder why others do it to us. What do we have to be proud of when most of us are just sex-crazed, ex-obsessed sluts. Great. I'm proud to be a lesbian!

Fuck the one I need...

Written November 15, 2009 {Myspace}

Fuck the one I "need"...

Do people forgive you that easy? Is that why you think it's okay to treat people lower than dirt? I will not forgive you. You've gone past the point of "fucked up" and I won't be at the end of this road your on, waiting with a smile and open arms. I'll be there filled with the most anger I've ever had. You care? Oh please, don't make me laugh. You care for 2 days, then it's gone. Your a bad actress so don't pick that up as a side job. You might be a great person but your a horrible friend. &Your right, sadly, your the most unreliable person I've ever met. I could trust my worst enemy to be there for me before you. &You wish you could help? Bitch you could have! Great job fucking that up btw. Really, you should win an award. No texts, no answer, no show. Perfect. I said I need you and thing is, you and bobbi joe have complete control of whether I get past the accident or not. &So far bobbi isn't talking about it and your a complete stranger in my life. But honestly, i'd rather suffer the rest of my life than let you back in. Fuck you. Im done with your lies and your games Felecia.


Next day...

I called you. You don't want to deal with my BULLSHIT..?? My bullshit? You get dumped by some chick that you dated for what?..2 days? &I'm going through all this stuff and my problems are bullshit? Your such a heartless bitch. You take it as a compliment that your the master at pushing people away? Wow your fucked up. You know people go through a lot of shit in their lives but at least they have a heart. Your worst fear is to lose everyone, funny thing. Your on the right path to your worst fear. Keep it up and the only people around will be the brain dead chicks that just want in your pants. I'm done with your shit and your games. Your heartless, careless, and the most insensitive person I've ever met. Thing is, i don't even hate you. You have to care to hate someone.


November 25, 2009...

I was completely wrong. &I'll make up for everything, I promise. I'm sorry Felecia.

For the one I need...

Written November 11, 2009 {Myspace}

For the one I need...

I'm sorry. I messed up. I let my anger take the best of me and I was a fucking asshole toward you. Never should I yell at a women, let alone raise my voice. I let my anger with my mother overtake the frustration with you. I feel like shit and I deserved the hang up and the rest of tonight to make myself feel even worse for this. I'm sorry Fe. I'm sorry you seen a side of me that I rarely let out. You didn't deserve that. My reasons are no excuse but you don't see what I see in you, and you need to. You are so important to me, you have no clue. I'm the realist person you will ever meet. When your my friend I'm here for you no matter what. I don't talk to a lot of people anymore but no matter what they've done to me the moment they call and say they need me, I'm there. Your not letting me in and its frustrating but I'll wait. I won't stop trying. I don't understand why you don't know why your so important to me. Was it not you in that field? Was it not you I was with when I came closer to death than I've ever been? This moment will be with me forever and your a part of that. When I'm having these nightmares and flashbacks and thinking constantly of how much this makes me appreciate life, your part of that. I think of you 24/7. It might not be in a way someone usually thinks of someone that much but I do. Fe you might be dating other girls and talking to more than just me but I'm a one person person. I won't talk to other girls or kiss other girls as long as whatever we have going on, is still continuing. It's just how I am. I'm the most faithful person in this world even when me being what i think is unfaithful, is actually faithful. I don't like talking to more than one girl because it makes me feel sluty. Not that it is, it's just who I am. I appreciate women more than anything and respect them immensly. But I didn't tonight, and I'm more sorry than you'll ever understand Fe. I fucked up. I don't know what to tell you to do. It's not that you didn't come see me it's that you didn't even talk to me. Ask me, don't assume it right away. I don't know or anyone like you so it's hard to read you. What I read...is carelessness. Maybe no one has cared for you so much. Maybe that's why you don't see how much I'm here for you even when I'm not the person you turn to. I guess I've always been this way. I have a HUGE heart. Just meeting someone new I care so much already. I'm such a loving person and honestly, you don't seem to be used to people as emotional and big hearted as me when just meeting them so I'm scared to show my full self to you. I'm scared you'll run away cause you won't be able to handle it or you'll take it the wrong way. The way someone madly in love acts toward someone, how they're there no matter what, 24/7, soon as you need them. Thats how I am. I'm there, always. Id give up the world for someone who just needed to talk for a minute. I'd give up my life for someone who just wanted a second of my attention. So it's hard when someone says they're not reliable. Friends to me are everything. When they do something wrong I don't hesitate to tell them to go fuck themselves but it hurts like hell when they do me wrong. More than heart break from a love lost. Friends are there like no one else. They're there more than a lover will ever be. Not a lot of people see that, but i do. &Knowing that, when i lose a friend, it kills me. But I wont stand for their games and constant backstabbing. Im rambling huh?...Idk. I just, i treat people so well and when I get less than what I'm giving off, its frustrating and it upsets me. I forget that I'm one of those people that will always care more, no matter who the person is. So I'm sorry you seen my anger because I'm frustrated with you because it seems like i care more about you than you even care about your own life.

You drive me crazy. You have these moments where your so depressed and its like you just want to give up and just die already and I want to throw something at you. Like SERIOUSLY! Maybe i'm just an optimistic asshole who sees only the good. Cause what i see, your so lucky. Look at the world Fe, theres more out there. There's other chances at love, other chances at everything. You have to be open minded enough to allow them chances in. You have a chance...your lucky that you have the next seconds of life to look forward to and theres people thinking, what second will it be over? People that are hanging on to every moment that passes praying that it's not the last. EVERY moment. Like now, now, now, and now. &You know what your doing right now...youll be doing...right now. LUCKY. I think you have a lot more to see in life that your oblivious to. Your depressed over all these things adding up but honestly, some of these things I wish I even had. Your lucky to be able to stress over things that doesn't even exist for others. I'm hoping your not thinking, oh fuck you kayla, cause its not where i'm trying to go. I'm just upset that you manage to have all this good in your life and completely blind to it all. Your so insecure, but so beautiful. Your so depressed, but have so much to be happy about. Stopping living on the bad. It's your fault your depressed. It's your choice to hang onto these things. Change it. Because you have the time to. &Not everyone does. Your lucky. Take advantage of that.

I love you Fe. Your important to me because even though it wasn't exactly what I was looking for, you were here every day that week of the accident. Because you make me smile. Because you fought for a promise you made me. Because you came over to my apartment even though you didn't want to be here. Because your sweet. Because you care enough to say sorry. Because whenever I'm convinced your a careless bitch at times, i call you and your voice says a different story. Because you shared the biggest memory of my life with me. Because i woke up to you. You held my hand until I couldn't remember anymore. You didn't mean to hit me with your car. Your hugs are amazing. You respect me. Your honest with me. Your an amazing person. You have a fucking sexy ass style. Your hair is awesome. You let me read your personal journals. You put me on your top. You stole a cone with me. You call me when your lost in louisville even though i cant help you. You make delicious spaghetti. You smell good. You ask if im hungry 20 times even though i say no over and over again. You got me the best cd in the world. You know to put on fireflies when im even remotely upset. You drive when I'm scared to. You worry that i might have an asthma attack. You got me a card =). You like my ass. You don't look at my messed up eye. You ran in a corn field and got hit in the face with a cob of corn. Because you make me laugh. I can be myself around you. I trust you with my life. You make the fear go away. You read my poems. You have a sunroof. You like my snoring. You gave me a place to sleep when I didn't have one. You almost ditched me once because you didn't want me to have to give up a friend one night & you still go {that meant a lot to me Fe}. You try not to blow smoke in my face. You work at one of the greatest stores in clarksville. You care, I know you do. Just show it more than in these selfless moments.

I only don't like that you kill fish.

Did i get a smile in there? That's what i was shooting for. Maybe these are lame reasons for you to be important to me but I cherish every moment and these moments mean something to me because they exist at all. Yea i care, a lot. Too much? Impossible. You just don't care enough. I'm here Fe, don't push me away. Be here too and not when it's just convenient for you. I feel like a plan in your schedule. Not a friend.

Again Felecia, I'm sorry I let my anger get the best of me. I know you understand but I'm sorry i was a bitch to you. I'm not like that to people who don't deserve it. I'll make it up to you, promise.

P.S. I need to tell you someone. I need to tell you in person because I need to see your eyes when i tell you. It's the reason i had a bad day and was on the nurse's bathroom floor in a ball crying my eyes out. It's the reason i left school early and broke down from the flashbacks of it. Its another nightmare I'm having.