Tuesday, December 1
Suicide...
Is it turning into a common thing now in teens? One of my great friends, Kelso, found out in school today that her cousin hung herself. Her mom opened her daughters dor ata rounf 3:30 a.m. this morning and she seen her daughter hanging from her ceiling fan by her red scarf. It was said by Kelso's other cousin that Sarah(the cousin) and her boyfriend broke up and she said she was going to kill herself and he didn't believe her. It's not his fault but I wish people took cutting and suicidal people more seriously. It's not a joke, this is people lives were talking about. Thats as serious as it gets. I don't want to lose any of my friends. I feel bad for past friends who were depressed n I gave up on them. They might have betrayed me but what would I do if they ended their life? I'd be distraught. I want to help suicidal and depressed teens. I don't know how but I will. I've been through it and I know somehow my story will help others.
Sunday, November 29
M.I.K.
It hurt what you did. I like you, a lot. &You go kissing on your ex girlfriend when I trusted you were done with her. You betray my trust. You promise your done with her but what...kissing and hickey's don't apply in that? We fight constantly and I'm done fighting. I've been through relationships like that and in the end it's not worth it. I don't feel a connection and you've done pushed me away. You've managed to constantly make me feel like a slut and you talked down to me like a child. I don't play that shit. I'm worth tons more than what your giving off so I'm done wasting my time on someone who keeps hurting me. Were not going anywhere because you don't make me happy. You just keep making me cry. &Your not worth my tears. What you've done to me is not worth my time so I'm done Cass. I want my space so back the hell off.
Ive Realized What I've Done & I'm Sorry.
November 25, 2009 {Myspace}
I've Realized What I've Done & I'm Sorry.
I'm going through a lot. The part I didn't realize is that your going through a lot too. I was so focused on me getting better and I didn't see that you needed me too. You weren't here because I haven't been here for you. I deserve every word you continued to throw at me. I know there's a wall there. You let it down for me tonight, maybe just for a little while but I know that that was hard. I know I begged for 2 minutes but I wasn't going to give up on you. I hope you know how much I care. When I was still in the mind set that you were completely wrong, I couldn't let you off that phone and I prayed you wouldn't hang up. I would have went anyway but I wanted you to want me there. We're really sensitive and emotional. The difference is I show myself completely to the world with no fear of what I'll get in return and it frustrates me that you don't. That's not something to be upset with you about and I'll stop. I'll stop being selfish toward you, and asking for so much that I'm not giving in return. I want to be here. I want to stay here. I want to be someone you turn to. &I'm so far from that right now. But you haven't let go of me and I hope you keep holding on. I'm sorry. For all of it. Every angry word, every minute that I was upset. If only I knew why, I would have turned it around so much sooner. I just thought you didn't care. I hated you for that. I hated that it seemed like the accident was no big deal to you and the accident is changing who I am. It's sucking the life out of me and it runs down my face every night and it's forced out of my lungs after a horrible nightmare. It's the air I breathe now and it effects me every day. I won't get in the passenger seat of a car unless I have to. I won't walk across the street unless I absolutely have to. I freak when a friend is too far in the road even if the road is empty of cars. The look of headlights makes my heart race faster than any lover could cause. It's the fear sitting inside of me just laughing at my weakness. &I want to kill it and end it so bad that the moments you were dealing with so much shit and it wasn't with my 'bullshit' I got angry with you. I've been acting like the heartless bitch, not you Fe. I'm sorry I wasn't here. I'm sorry that I pushed you out of my life like I said I wouldn't. &Maybe I pushed you out of my everyday life but you were never completely gone. I have the messaged saved in my phone. The first one's that you sent me after our huge fight on the phone. I held on even when I said I was done. I couldn't give up. I'm not strong enough to. &I'm not scared to admit that. I love you Fe and I'm going to be here for now on.
I've Realized What I've Done & I'm Sorry.
I'm going through a lot. The part I didn't realize is that your going through a lot too. I was so focused on me getting better and I didn't see that you needed me too. You weren't here because I haven't been here for you. I deserve every word you continued to throw at me. I know there's a wall there. You let it down for me tonight, maybe just for a little while but I know that that was hard. I know I begged for 2 minutes but I wasn't going to give up on you. I hope you know how much I care. When I was still in the mind set that you were completely wrong, I couldn't let you off that phone and I prayed you wouldn't hang up. I would have went anyway but I wanted you to want me there. We're really sensitive and emotional. The difference is I show myself completely to the world with no fear of what I'll get in return and it frustrates me that you don't. That's not something to be upset with you about and I'll stop. I'll stop being selfish toward you, and asking for so much that I'm not giving in return. I want to be here. I want to stay here. I want to be someone you turn to. &I'm so far from that right now. But you haven't let go of me and I hope you keep holding on. I'm sorry. For all of it. Every angry word, every minute that I was upset. If only I knew why, I would have turned it around so much sooner. I just thought you didn't care. I hated you for that. I hated that it seemed like the accident was no big deal to you and the accident is changing who I am. It's sucking the life out of me and it runs down my face every night and it's forced out of my lungs after a horrible nightmare. It's the air I breathe now and it effects me every day. I won't get in the passenger seat of a car unless I have to. I won't walk across the street unless I absolutely have to. I freak when a friend is too far in the road even if the road is empty of cars. The look of headlights makes my heart race faster than any lover could cause. It's the fear sitting inside of me just laughing at my weakness. &I want to kill it and end it so bad that the moments you were dealing with so much shit and it wasn't with my 'bullshit' I got angry with you. I've been acting like the heartless bitch, not you Fe. I'm sorry I wasn't here. I'm sorry that I pushed you out of my life like I said I wouldn't. &Maybe I pushed you out of my everyday life but you were never completely gone. I have the messaged saved in my phone. The first one's that you sent me after our huge fight on the phone. I held on even when I said I was done. I couldn't give up. I'm not strong enough to. &I'm not scared to admit that. I love you Fe and I'm going to be here for now on.
Sunday, November 22
My aunts.
My mom and I fight constantly. We can't get along and I hate her. She's lied to me so I lie to her. She's been heartless so I act heartless toward her. I'm exactly like her but she says I'm nothing like her, nothing like my father, and she doesn't know who I came from. I also deserved to get hit by a car since I lied to her about where I was that night. Anyways the point is that she kicked me out friday after school. I'm living with my aunt and I have a forever open invitation to live with my best friend Bobbi Joe if need be. I love it here. It's quiet at night but I don't feel alone. During the day it's impossible to stay in one place so your interacting with everyone and I feel so loved. Also my aunt has set rules for me. My mom didn't have anything to abide by. It's just you ask and you have no clue what kind of answer you'll get. I like to have rules to follow and have an idea of what she'll say. I also like that they don't intrude on my business or ask constantly whats wrong. Their just hear for me and all ears when I need to talk. Their very understanding and for the first time in so long, I feel like I have a home. &Not just one home. I have two. One here and one with Bobbi. I'd have to say, even though I've lost my mother and my brother and I miss my little brother and my dog like hell. I am one of the luckiest girls in the world. This is all for now, but I'll write back soon. Good night. Good life.
Tuesday, November 17
Venting
I continue to shock myself with how fast i can move past things. Confidence does a lot. To know what your worth and what you deserve has been the most helpful thing in my life. I've gotten over my past loves which not many people can say and one is like a sister to me as the other is no longer in my life for afterward friend purposes. &The girls that come in and out of my life really have left no scar on me. I think they'll be great, then realize their sluts, drunks, potheads, or doing absolutely nothing with their life's and it's easy to just know that it's not worth the disappointment and move past it. &All the friends that have backstabbed me and called me a cunt, I waste no time on it. Just move on. I don't continue to bring it up {except now} and I don't stress over it. If they can take the time to talk shit, don't take the time to even think about them twice. Their not worth it so move on. A lot of people give this as advice but I'm living it. I'm not the person that says "were done" but ends up back in your life. When I say, "were done" or "im done" i mean it. Don't expect to see or hear from me again because it won't happen. &In the rare cases that I do end up back in your life, it's because you've proven to me that you really do care and you truly are sorry. &If i believe it won't happen again. But I no longer trust too easily or too less. I'm exactly where i want to be. My scars are healing from the accident and soon i will no longer look in the mirror and see my worst nightmare flash before my eyes. Yes, I'm going to have this nasty scar above my eye but it's nothing some flipped hair can't cover. At least until I'm past the accident. I've never been so strong before in my life and I'd like to thank everyone who has ever been a part of my life because your all the reason I'm here today. I truly love my life and everything about it. It's shocking the things people do to you that seem so horrible it's inhuman but it's also shocking that someone can be so strong. I've managed to shock myself. A girl that used to wear a black hoodie everyday, keep her hair in her face, cut in secret, wish for death to approach soon, and do nothing but sit in her room and cry her days away is now this strong independent and fucking gorgeous young women that is headed to be a mathematician graduated from ball state and a life full of amazing friends and no regrets. Dad would be proud. Because I know I am =)
Girls are weak. Lesbians are sluts.
Written November 16, 2009 {Myspace}
How did girls come to this? Every single girl I've started talking to is stuck on their ex. EX. There's a reason why their not your GIRLFRIEND. I want badly to say get over it but that's too harsh even for me. But seriously. Your trying to move on with someone else when you haven't even moved on from them. Ever heard of the phrase...You can't be happy with someone else until your happy with yourself...? Thats true you know. You have to move on from them and be happy before you move into someone elses arms. They're your life? No honey, their not. You lived before them and you will live after them. &When your crying and shit because you can't get over the fact that they have already moved on, remember that it's your fault you keep holding on. &To those lesbians of you that only want a piece of ass, stop being a damn slut. Do you know how many girls have asked me if I want to "hook" up. It's disgusting. Most of you have seriously gotten to the point when you no longer care about yourself and just want to slut around. You'll be so proud of that one day. I'd be ashamed. In a way i'm glad that I know a very small amount of lesbians. Because just with the ones I know now most are just disappointing. Is this what i have to look up to? A world full of lesbians who just want to hook up and move on until they can win their ex's back? This is pathetic. Stop disrespecting yourselves cause it's no wonder why others do it to us. What do we have to be proud of when most of us are just sex-crazed, ex-obsessed sluts. Great. I'm proud to be a lesbian!
Fuck the one I need...
Written November 15, 2009 {Myspace}
Do people forgive you that easy? Is that why you think it's okay to treat people lower than dirt? I will not forgive you. You've gone past the point of "fucked up" and I won't be at the end of this road your on, waiting with a smile and open arms. I'll be there filled with the most anger I've ever had. You care? Oh please, don't make me laugh. You care for 2 days, then it's gone. Your a bad actress so don't pick that up as a side job. You might be a great person but your a horrible friend. &Your right, sadly, your the most unreliable person I've ever met. I could trust my worst enemy to be there for me before you. &You wish you could help? Bitch you could have! Great job fucking that up btw. Really, you should win an award. No texts, no answer, no show. Perfect. I said I need you and thing is, you and bobbi joe have complete control of whether I get past the accident or not. &So far bobbi isn't talking about it and your a complete stranger in my life. But honestly, i'd rather suffer the rest of my life than let you back in. Fuck you. Im done with your lies and your games Felecia.
Next day...
I called you. You don't want to deal with my BULLSHIT..?? My bullshit? You get dumped by some chick that you dated for what?..2 days? &I'm going through all this stuff and my problems are bullshit? Your such a heartless bitch. You take it as a compliment that your the master at pushing people away? Wow your fucked up. You know people go through a lot of shit in their lives but at least they have a heart. Your worst fear is to lose everyone, funny thing. Your on the right path to your worst fear. Keep it up and the only people around will be the brain dead chicks that just want in your pants. I'm done with your shit and your games. Your heartless, careless, and the most insensitive person I've ever met. Thing is, i don't even hate you. You have to care to hate someone.
November 25, 2009...
I was completely wrong. &I'll make up for everything, I promise. I'm sorry Felecia.
Next day...
I called you. You don't want to deal with my BULLSHIT..?? My bullshit? You get dumped by some chick that you dated for what?..2 days? &I'm going through all this stuff and my problems are bullshit? Your such a heartless bitch. You take it as a compliment that your the master at pushing people away? Wow your fucked up. You know people go through a lot of shit in their lives but at least they have a heart. Your worst fear is to lose everyone, funny thing. Your on the right path to your worst fear. Keep it up and the only people around will be the brain dead chicks that just want in your pants. I'm done with your shit and your games. Your heartless, careless, and the most insensitive person I've ever met. Thing is, i don't even hate you. You have to care to hate someone.
November 25, 2009...
I was completely wrong. &I'll make up for everything, I promise. I'm sorry Felecia.
For the one I need...
Written November 11, 2009 {Myspace}
I'm sorry. I messed up. I let my anger take the best of me and I was a fucking asshole toward you. Never should I yell at a women, let alone raise my voice. I let my anger with my mother overtake the frustration with you. I feel like shit and I deserved the hang up and the rest of tonight to make myself feel even worse for this. I'm sorry Fe. I'm sorry you seen a side of me that I rarely let out. You didn't deserve that. My reasons are no excuse but you don't see what I see in you, and you need to. You are so important to me, you have no clue. I'm the realist person you will ever meet. When your my friend I'm here for you no matter what. I don't talk to a lot of people anymore but no matter what they've done to me the moment they call and say they need me, I'm there. Your not letting me in and its frustrating but I'll wait. I won't stop trying. I don't understand why you don't know why your so important to me. Was it not you in that field? Was it not you I was with when I came closer to death than I've ever been? This moment will be with me forever and your a part of that. When I'm having these nightmares and flashbacks and thinking constantly of how much this makes me appreciate life, your part of that. I think of you 24/7. It might not be in a way someone usually thinks of someone that much but I do. Fe you might be dating other girls and talking to more than just me but I'm a one person person. I won't talk to other girls or kiss other girls as long as whatever we have going on, is still continuing. It's just how I am. I'm the most faithful person in this world even when me being what i think is unfaithful, is actually faithful. I don't like talking to more than one girl because it makes me feel sluty. Not that it is, it's just who I am. I appreciate women more than anything and respect them immensly. But I didn't tonight, and I'm more sorry than you'll ever understand Fe. I fucked up. I don't know what to tell you to do. It's not that you didn't come see me it's that you didn't even talk to me. Ask me, don't assume it right away. I don't know or anyone like you so it's hard to read you. What I read...is carelessness. Maybe no one has cared for you so much. Maybe that's why you don't see how much I'm here for you even when I'm not the person you turn to. I guess I've always been this way. I have a HUGE heart. Just meeting someone new I care so much already. I'm such a loving person and honestly, you don't seem to be used to people as emotional and big hearted as me when just meeting them so I'm scared to show my full self to you. I'm scared you'll run away cause you won't be able to handle it or you'll take it the wrong way. The way someone madly in love acts toward someone, how they're there no matter what, 24/7, soon as you need them. Thats how I am. I'm there, always. Id give up the world for someone who just needed to talk for a minute. I'd give up my life for someone who just wanted a second of my attention. So it's hard when someone says they're not reliable. Friends to me are everything. When they do something wrong I don't hesitate to tell them to go fuck themselves but it hurts like hell when they do me wrong. More than heart break from a love lost. Friends are there like no one else. They're there more than a lover will ever be. Not a lot of people see that, but i do. &Knowing that, when i lose a friend, it kills me. But I wont stand for their games and constant backstabbing. Im rambling huh?...Idk. I just, i treat people so well and when I get less than what I'm giving off, its frustrating and it upsets me. I forget that I'm one of those people that will always care more, no matter who the person is. So I'm sorry you seen my anger because I'm frustrated with you because it seems like i care more about you than you even care about your own life.
You drive me crazy. You have these moments where your so depressed and its like you just want to give up and just die already and I want to throw something at you. Like SERIOUSLY! Maybe i'm just an optimistic asshole who sees only the good. Cause what i see, your so lucky. Look at the world Fe, theres more out there. There's other chances at love, other chances at everything. You have to be open minded enough to allow them chances in. You have a chance...your lucky that you have the next seconds of life to look forward to and theres people thinking, what second will it be over? People that are hanging on to every moment that passes praying that it's not the last. EVERY moment. Like now, now, now, and now. &You know what your doing right now...youll be doing...right now. LUCKY. I think you have a lot more to see in life that your oblivious to. Your depressed over all these things adding up but honestly, some of these things I wish I even had. Your lucky to be able to stress over things that doesn't even exist for others. I'm hoping your not thinking, oh fuck you kayla, cause its not where i'm trying to go. I'm just upset that you manage to have all this good in your life and completely blind to it all. Your so insecure, but so beautiful. Your so depressed, but have so much to be happy about. Stopping living on the bad. It's your fault your depressed. It's your choice to hang onto these things. Change it. Because you have the time to. &Not everyone does. Your lucky. Take advantage of that.
I love you Fe. Your important to me because even though it wasn't exactly what I was looking for, you were here every day that week of the accident. Because you make me smile. Because you fought for a promise you made me. Because you came over to my apartment even though you didn't want to be here. Because your sweet. Because you care enough to say sorry. Because whenever I'm convinced your a careless bitch at times, i call you and your voice says a different story. Because you shared the biggest memory of my life with me. Because i woke up to you. You held my hand until I couldn't remember anymore. You didn't mean to hit me with your car. Your hugs are amazing. You respect me. Your honest with me. Your an amazing person. You have a fucking sexy ass style. Your hair is awesome. You let me read your personal journals. You put me on your top. You stole a cone with me. You call me when your lost in louisville even though i cant help you. You make delicious spaghetti. You smell good. You ask if im hungry 20 times even though i say no over and over again. You got me the best cd in the world. You know to put on fireflies when im even remotely upset. You drive when I'm scared to. You worry that i might have an asthma attack. You got me a card =). You like my ass. You don't look at my messed up eye. You ran in a corn field and got hit in the face with a cob of corn. Because you make me laugh. I can be myself around you. I trust you with my life. You make the fear go away. You read my poems. You have a sunroof. You like my snoring. You gave me a place to sleep when I didn't have one. You almost ditched me once because you didn't want me to have to give up a friend one night & you still go {that meant a lot to me Fe}. You try not to blow smoke in my face. You work at one of the greatest stores in clarksville. You care, I know you do. Just show it more than in these selfless moments.
I only don't like that you kill fish.
Did i get a smile in there? That's what i was shooting for. Maybe these are lame reasons for you to be important to me but I cherish every moment and these moments mean something to me because they exist at all. Yea i care, a lot. Too much? Impossible. You just don't care enough. I'm here Fe, don't push me away. Be here too and not when it's just convenient for you. I feel like a plan in your schedule. Not a friend.
Again Felecia, I'm sorry I let my anger get the best of me. I know you understand but I'm sorry i was a bitch to you. I'm not like that to people who don't deserve it. I'll make it up to you, promise.
P.S. I need to tell you someone. I need to tell you in person because I need to see your eyes when i tell you. It's the reason i had a bad day and was on the nurse's bathroom floor in a ball crying my eyes out. It's the reason i left school early and broke down from the flashbacks of it. Its another nightmare I'm having.
You drive me crazy. You have these moments where your so depressed and its like you just want to give up and just die already and I want to throw something at you. Like SERIOUSLY! Maybe i'm just an optimistic asshole who sees only the good. Cause what i see, your so lucky. Look at the world Fe, theres more out there. There's other chances at love, other chances at everything. You have to be open minded enough to allow them chances in. You have a chance...your lucky that you have the next seconds of life to look forward to and theres people thinking, what second will it be over? People that are hanging on to every moment that passes praying that it's not the last. EVERY moment. Like now, now, now, and now. &You know what your doing right now...youll be doing...right now. LUCKY. I think you have a lot more to see in life that your oblivious to. Your depressed over all these things adding up but honestly, some of these things I wish I even had. Your lucky to be able to stress over things that doesn't even exist for others. I'm hoping your not thinking, oh fuck you kayla, cause its not where i'm trying to go. I'm just upset that you manage to have all this good in your life and completely blind to it all. Your so insecure, but so beautiful. Your so depressed, but have so much to be happy about. Stopping living on the bad. It's your fault your depressed. It's your choice to hang onto these things. Change it. Because you have the time to. &Not everyone does. Your lucky. Take advantage of that.
I love you Fe. Your important to me because even though it wasn't exactly what I was looking for, you were here every day that week of the accident. Because you make me smile. Because you fought for a promise you made me. Because you came over to my apartment even though you didn't want to be here. Because your sweet. Because you care enough to say sorry. Because whenever I'm convinced your a careless bitch at times, i call you and your voice says a different story. Because you shared the biggest memory of my life with me. Because i woke up to you. You held my hand until I couldn't remember anymore. You didn't mean to hit me with your car. Your hugs are amazing. You respect me. Your honest with me. Your an amazing person. You have a fucking sexy ass style. Your hair is awesome. You let me read your personal journals. You put me on your top. You stole a cone with me. You call me when your lost in louisville even though i cant help you. You make delicious spaghetti. You smell good. You ask if im hungry 20 times even though i say no over and over again. You got me the best cd in the world. You know to put on fireflies when im even remotely upset. You drive when I'm scared to. You worry that i might have an asthma attack. You got me a card =). You like my ass. You don't look at my messed up eye. You ran in a corn field and got hit in the face with a cob of corn. Because you make me laugh. I can be myself around you. I trust you with my life. You make the fear go away. You read my poems. You have a sunroof. You like my snoring. You gave me a place to sleep when I didn't have one. You almost ditched me once because you didn't want me to have to give up a friend one night & you still go {that meant a lot to me Fe}. You try not to blow smoke in my face. You work at one of the greatest stores in clarksville. You care, I know you do. Just show it more than in these selfless moments.
I only don't like that you kill fish.
Did i get a smile in there? That's what i was shooting for. Maybe these are lame reasons for you to be important to me but I cherish every moment and these moments mean something to me because they exist at all. Yea i care, a lot. Too much? Impossible. You just don't care enough. I'm here Fe, don't push me away. Be here too and not when it's just convenient for you. I feel like a plan in your schedule. Not a friend.
Again Felecia, I'm sorry I let my anger get the best of me. I know you understand but I'm sorry i was a bitch to you. I'm not like that to people who don't deserve it. I'll make it up to you, promise.
P.S. I need to tell you someone. I need to tell you in person because I need to see your eyes when i tell you. It's the reason i had a bad day and was on the nurse's bathroom floor in a ball crying my eyes out. It's the reason i left school early and broke down from the flashbacks of it. Its another nightmare I'm having.
Bad Day At School
Written November 11, 2009 {Myspace}
I went back to school this past tuesday and Was laughed at before the final morning bell even rang. This asshole Dylan laughed because I got hit by a car..?? Excuse me, but i don't see any funny in that. It's wednesday now and i can't take it anymore. I hate when people stare and it's all they do. I've flipped my hair to the other side of my face, hoping people won't see my eye. I'm a very confident person but I've been feeling so ugly lately. I know i'm fucking gorgeous but damn this eye is bringing me down. I can't get through a class without someone bringing up my accident. Then at lunch this bitch Kayla tries to say that she completely understands what i'm going through because she was hit by a car when she was on her moped. Alisha told her it's not the same and she says, "Yes it is cause i got a concussion on my head." WTF? ON your head? I stood up, grabbed my bag, looked at her and said exactly this, "I'm sorry but that fucking pisses me off! You don't know shit about me or what I've been through. No one can get a fucking word through because your busy relating it back to yourself. I fucking hate when people compare what I've been through to themselves. You don't know shit. I'm not you. Fuck this." &Then walked out of the lunch room, to the office, took my pain killer and headed to see the counselor. I've reached my point of too far. I've held my tongue and asked people nicely to leave me alone about it but it doesn't stop. These immature ass holes have gone too far. I should have beat that guys ass yesterday that asked me in the hall, "How stupid do you have to be to walk in front of a car?" Are you serious?! &Every time someone has seen my eye, they cringe at the sight. YOUR ALL FUCKING PUSSIES! If my eye is seriously the worst thing you've seen then your more ignorant than i thought you were. I've been giving these pricks more credit than they can even comprehend. I can't wait to graduate.
Anyways...I head to the counselor down the hall and ask her assistant if I can see her now because it's an emergency. The whole time I talked to Mrs. Owen I tried my best not to cry. I told her that the only two people i can really talk to about this is Fe and Bobbi. Fe just stops me in the middle of things and hugs me or tells me its okay. I DONT WANT THAT! I'm talking to you, listen. I need to this out but I keep getting interrupted so I just act like there's nothing more I have to say. Then Bobbi...i love this girl but fuck! She won't even listen for a second. She tells me to stop talking about it,..NO! I went through the most traumatic experience of my life and you want me to keep it in? If you want it, then do it but don't stop me from bettering myself. This really pisses me off. Mrs. Owen said that people have their own pace, well i can't wait around. If their not going to be here for me then whatever. I'm not wasting my time trying with them anymore. So i called my mom and told her i needed her at the school but she wouldn't come. I told her i NEEDED her at the school and she said no. I don't weaken myself for others. I do not tell people I NEED them unless i feel the need for them to know. I've only ever told people twice that i NEED them and meant it. With Fe and with my mom today on the phone. She showed up half an hour later. By this time Owen's took me to the nurses to let out the tears so no one would have to see it in class. I locked myself in the nurse's bathroom, sat on the floor, wrapped my arms around my knees and cried for 25 minutes. Thats when i heard my mom was there and left. She hasn't said anything else...what do I do? How do I deal with this now? I have an appointment at 4:30 with this therapist today. I hope this helps because I'm running out of options.
Anyways...I head to the counselor down the hall and ask her assistant if I can see her now because it's an emergency. The whole time I talked to Mrs. Owen I tried my best not to cry. I told her that the only two people i can really talk to about this is Fe and Bobbi. Fe just stops me in the middle of things and hugs me or tells me its okay. I DONT WANT THAT! I'm talking to you, listen. I need to this out but I keep getting interrupted so I just act like there's nothing more I have to say. Then Bobbi...i love this girl but fuck! She won't even listen for a second. She tells me to stop talking about it,..NO! I went through the most traumatic experience of my life and you want me to keep it in? If you want it, then do it but don't stop me from bettering myself. This really pisses me off. Mrs. Owen said that people have their own pace, well i can't wait around. If their not going to be here for me then whatever. I'm not wasting my time trying with them anymore. So i called my mom and told her i needed her at the school but she wouldn't come. I told her i NEEDED her at the school and she said no. I don't weaken myself for others. I do not tell people I NEED them unless i feel the need for them to know. I've only ever told people twice that i NEED them and meant it. With Fe and with my mom today on the phone. She showed up half an hour later. By this time Owen's took me to the nurses to let out the tears so no one would have to see it in class. I locked myself in the nurse's bathroom, sat on the floor, wrapped my arms around my knees and cried for 25 minutes. Thats when i heard my mom was there and left. She hasn't said anything else...what do I do? How do I deal with this now? I have an appointment at 4:30 with this therapist today. I hope this helps because I'm running out of options.
Pet Peeves
Started November 10, 2009 {Myspace}
*When people sit there and talk shit about the person they were just being all friendly with.
-If you don't like the person stop being a fake bitch and ignore them.
*When people poke me.
-Do I look like the fucking pillsbury dough boy? Back the fuck up.
*When you don't text me back.
-You have texting, use it!
*When someone says they'll always be here when you need them and don't answer their phone, ever.
-You've just become a liar.
*When people ask if they can 'borrow' a piece of paper.
-Oh, please don't return the favor. It's one piece of paper.
*When people say, your killing trees!
-Do you even know how many pieces of paper that a whole tree makes? Yea thought so, shut up.
*Underclassman.
-Grow up.
*When teachers go through every single step in anything.
-That's why we have directions.
*When it's time to read and your teacher gives you a speech about how you should be reading.
-I'm trying to fucking read, shut the hell up!
*When you continue to put your hands on someone when they say stop.
-Are you deaf or just retarded?
*When people repeat a million times over and over again about how their going to beat someone's ass.
-Just do it already so we can all get some damn peace and quiet!
*When people constantly complain about something they can change.
-You wasting your time talking when you could be changing it. Get off your lazy ass and shut your trap!
*When people call things "gay," especially when the person saying it is LGBT.
-HELLO! A homophobe created that phrase to signify that "gay" is "stupid/lame/bad/or any other negative word." So if you say this and think gay-bashing is bad, stop gay-bashing yourself. It's people like you that say it's okay that were being bashed and hated against. Great role model ass hole.
*When people use the N word.
-I don't give a shit what race you are. Stop discriminating. You say your not racist but yet you use racists words? A white racist created that word, good job following in their footsteps you close minded prick. &If your of African American decent, are you serious?! It's your word, you own it? You saying it says it's okay that people continue to use that word. Grow up and shut up. Your disrespecting yourselves.
*Greedy people.
-I hope your poor one day.
*When girls laugh REALLY loud to get attention.
-Go fall on your face and shut up.
To Be Continued...
-If you don't like the person stop being a fake bitch and ignore them.
*When people poke me.
-Do I look like the fucking pillsbury dough boy? Back the fuck up.
*When you don't text me back.
-You have texting, use it!
*When someone says they'll always be here when you need them and don't answer their phone, ever.
-You've just become a liar.
*When people ask if they can 'borrow' a piece of paper.
-Oh, please don't return the favor. It's one piece of paper.
*When people say, your killing trees!
-Do you even know how many pieces of paper that a whole tree makes? Yea thought so, shut up.
*Underclassman.
-Grow up.
*When teachers go through every single step in anything.
-That's why we have directions.
*When it's time to read and your teacher gives you a speech about how you should be reading.
-I'm trying to fucking read, shut the hell up!
*When you continue to put your hands on someone when they say stop.
-Are you deaf or just retarded?
*When people repeat a million times over and over again about how their going to beat someone's ass.
-Just do it already so we can all get some damn peace and quiet!
*When people constantly complain about something they can change.
-You wasting your time talking when you could be changing it. Get off your lazy ass and shut your trap!
*When people call things "gay," especially when the person saying it is LGBT.
-HELLO! A homophobe created that phrase to signify that "gay" is "stupid/lame/bad/or any other negative word." So if you say this and think gay-bashing is bad, stop gay-bashing yourself. It's people like you that say it's okay that were being bashed and hated against. Great role model ass hole.
*When people use the N word.
-I don't give a shit what race you are. Stop discriminating. You say your not racist but yet you use racists words? A white racist created that word, good job following in their footsteps you close minded prick. &If your of African American decent, are you serious?! It's your word, you own it? You saying it says it's okay that people continue to use that word. Grow up and shut up. Your disrespecting yourselves.
*Greedy people.
-I hope your poor one day.
*When girls laugh REALLY loud to get attention.
-Go fall on your face and shut up.
To Be Continued...
Straight Pushers...
Written November 10, 2009 {Myspace}
I'm not straight. I'm not bi. I won't be bi. I won't be straight. I'm strickly a lesbian. L E S B I A N. Get off my case before i shove my foot up your ass. If your a guy your issue is probably that Ive never tried it. I DONT WANT TO TRY IT. I've made out with plenty of you to know that I get hornier from your couch. Yea I LOVE woman, no i won't ever give you a chance, no you cannot watch and no I don't want to have a threesome. If your a girl...you say I date men anyway. FUCK YOU! I like dykes. I dont like girls with a bunch of curves, huge tits, or ones that wear make up. I like girls with short hair, a tomboy style and an attitude. Who in the fuck said that guy type of clothes were only meant for guys? So what if a girl in boxers, baggy jeans, and a t-shirt turns me on? Just because they wear what the typical guy wears doesn't mean I want a guy! Got it yet? If i wanted a fem girl that wears heels, has long hair and wears make up id grab one of you straight girls up. I like a girl that once you see them they scream LESBIAN. It's hot as hell. I like a girl that has muscles, loves sports, wears boxers, and can just comb their hair with their hand and go. Im impatient. I don't have the time to wait an hour while a girl gets ready or time for a girl that sees dirt and walks the other way. So the whole point here is just because you think they look like a guy doesn't mean I want a fucking penis. Back the fuck off cause the next time you ask me to have a threesome with you, or ask me why i dont just date a guy then my foot is going down your throat, got it bitch?
Poem, For Taylor
Written November 8, 2009 {Myspace}
5 minute poem for Taylor
Here's your poem for English. Good Luck hun ;)
Takes my will to deny it.
Weaker I get with each hit.
Friendship is a blur now.
Trust isn’t my concern anymore.
Drugged to the core.
Cross out my life.
You are my sacrifice.
For it I need.
Let X be.
Pushing you farther.
Can’t feel any longer.
I need this satisfaction.
X is my action.
Goodbye those of you,
Don’t be blue.
I’m happy here,
No more fear,
Just let it in.
X is my new friend.
5 minute poem for Taylor
Here's your poem for English. Good Luck hun ;)
Takes my will to deny it.
Weaker I get with each hit.
Friendship is a blur now.
Trust isn’t my concern anymore.
Drugged to the core.
Cross out my life.
You are my sacrifice.
For it I need.
Let X be.
Pushing you farther.
Can’t feel any longer.
I need this satisfaction.
X is my action.
Goodbye those of you,
Don’t be blue.
I’m happy here,
No more fear,
Just let it in.
X is my new friend.
My Worst Nightmare...really happened.
Written November 7, 2009 {Myspace}
October 30th-Friday-Get my flu shot. I know I'm not going to get sick though, never have, never will.
November 3rd-Tuesday-I'm supposed to give blood right after school. For the first time in my life I have gotten sick from a flu shot and therefore I am congested. Therefore I cannot give blood. Kinda glad I couldn't because I chose the complicated one. I was told they take twice as much blood, separate it into this complicated shit and then put back in you whatever they don't need. Guess I'm kinda luck.
A little after 5pm...Texting Felecia. She's just home and I really want to see her. I asked if she wanted me to come over even though I knew the answer..."sure". I'm just kinda sitting around in her room while she cleans up which is usually what i do when I'm over there. I think it makes her nervous...she continues for the next hour to ask, "are you hungry?", "can i get you anything?", "are you sure your not hungry?" It's pretty adorable. &The rest of the time she just glances up at me, smiles, and finds another thing to do. This is only when she's not staring at herself in the mirror and combing her hair with her fingers. Eventually she starts naming stuff in her kitchen thinking I'll actually eat something. I'm sure Ill say no to every thing but then she says peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I'm stuck in her bathroom, where I was standing, lean back and smile. So she fixed me a peanut butter sandwich {without the nasty jelly} on wheat bread and a glass of skim milk...my fav. She doesn't know this but I've always hated wheat bread and pretty much anything wheat but it's not so bad when she makes it.
Bobbi keeps hitting up my phone, wanting us to come over so I hurry to finish eating and Fe hurries to finish whatever else she was doing...i thought she was already done cleaning a while before. I'm sick of driving and whenever fe and I hang out we always take my car so i asked if we could take hers instead. I like the sound of her car...and I LOVE her sunroof. Id prefer to drive in her car anyday. Shes got a really good taste in music so i like whatever she puts on, the windows are down, the sunroof open :), and the loud sound of her car drowns out the sucky thoughts running through my head. Looking at me from the outside I might seem uncomfortable, upset, and like I'm ignoring the person or something but I just wanted to relax. I love closing my eyes, feeling the cold wind against me and the music blaring in my ears. Its amazing. One of those moment things I live for.
Finally to Charlestown we passed a cop on the right so Fe tried to figure out whether she had her brights on or not...??? Idk. As I'm sitting up as far as i can trying to read the street name signs so we don't pass up Bobbi's i told her to pass the slow ass truck in front of us n that she could make it. Mistake. Her car is a cop magnet. She sped up to pass the truck so we wouldn't miss the street but the cop was behind her. She got her 2nd speeding ticket for the week. I felt HORRIBLE! We eventually make it to Bobbi's street and she had already started walking up the road. Fe convinced Bobbi to trust her and sat on her trunk why Fe proceeded to slowly drive up to her house. We left the car at Bobbi's and started walking to our destination. Our destination? I have no clue. Bobbi said she had a secret place that she wanted to show us, well preferably me. We got about a block and a half down and started arguing about just how far this place was. It was freezing out so Fe ran to get her car and Bobbi and I walked slowly back with each other & talking about Fe. Bobbi said that she was really awesome and all I could do was smile and agree. She pulled up and I opened the door for Bobbi. We drove up the curvy road which made us crack up a little bit for no reason at all but that were complete idiots. I love these guys.... We drove up this path and Bobbi started yelling at Felecia to pull over and park but Fe wanted to just drive all the way there. Bobbi freaked saying that we weren't allowed to be there and Fe's car was too loud so we had to park on the side trail. We left the car and continued to walk in the freezing cold to some place that no one knew about except hyper ass Bobbi Joe. We got up that path and turned right. There was a freaky corn field on our left. Bobbi n Fe were joking about "Children of the Corn" but i have never seen it so I was just scared of the dark. Fe ran into the field and continued to run through. Bobbi and I just stared into the corn and tried to keep track of where she was. For a moment I freaked and told Bobbi that I felt like this was a bad idea and that we should turn around. I told her that I felt in my gut that something bad was going to happen and that every time in the past that i felt this way, something horrible happened. She said it was all going to be alright and for some reason I couldn't say anymore, like i had to keep going and had to trust that she was right. Bobbi started yelling at Fe that there was a little creek coming up so she should come out. It's not until she seen some kind of animal run in front of her and until she got slapped in the face with a cob or corn that she finally came out. I wrapped my arms around Fe and she started complaining about how I got her sick. "Not my problem that you can't stay off of me." Was my pretty cute response. She smiled at me and asked, "wanna bet?" "No, no I don't." The last thing I wanted was for her to stay off of me when it was freezing cold in this open field and we were in the dark. We passed this small patch of forest on out left and the next thing I know, Bobbi stops, points out the the left and says, "Look kay."
I can still see it now, the moon. It was the most beautiful sight I've ever seen of the moon. It was a completely open field. No trees, poles, or buildings in the way of it. There were small mists of clouds crossing the front of the moon. One on the top crossing it completely, one in the middle crossing just through the middle but more to the left, and one on the bottom crossing it completely like the cloud on top but stopping a little shorter at the right end of the moon. The moon was full and the biggest i've ever seen it. It filled the sky that night. &The color was absolutely gorgeous. Like it caught the perfect orange/yellow tint of the sunset and held on to it for the night. Fe was joking around but I told her nicely to shut up and to just not ruin this moment for me. Bobbi is my sister. I'm leaving for Vietnam at the beginning of the year and I wasn't sure how long I'm staying for so she wanted to show me this before i left because she knew i'd appreciate this earth and it's beautiful creations more than anyone else. After i couldn't feel my legs any longer we started to walk back. For a short moment I ran because i was freezing then stopped when my breathing peaked. I felt an asthma attack coming on. Fe started being cute and ran off somewhere. I don't know where, I wasn't paying any attention to her. Bobbi and I walked until I ran off the side of the path and started throwing up. I knew this was going to be bad. My breaths started to shorten and my stomach was turning. Every few minutes I was throwing up again and coughing my lungs up. I clutched my collar and begged for air to fill my lungs. You never know how precious every breathe is to you and how satisfying it is when air fills your lungs until it's taken away from you. It was the scariest thing that has happened to me, having an asthma attack that is. I told Bobbi i was alright even tho i knew I wasn't but she called Fe anyway and told her I was sick and to hurry and get her car. Bobbi knew I'd have to go to the hospital or I wouldn't make it through the night without my breathing machine or an inhaler. Bobbi was standing on the left side of the path now {right side from when we were walking toward the secret place}. I seen Fe driving really slow up the path and turn right, continuing slowly toward us. Her car sounded like she was going extremely fast but I knew she was probably going barely 15 mph. I felt some more coughs coming and ran to the other side of the path and threw up close the the creek. I was far enough that Fe couldn't see me. Last I looked she was so far away and throwing up I thought Id only took a sec. I knew id have to be on the other side of the path to get in so I started to walk toward Bobbi. At this point I was no longer in control of myself. I couldn't feel my legs or my body. I felt like I HAD to cross that street like it was impulse. Like someone coming at you, you flinch. Or if you trip you move your hands and arms in front of you to catch your fall. You can't control it. At this point your body has taken over you by impulse. When I reached the middle of the path, time froze. I was hunched over still from throwing up. I seen Fe's headlights right by my legs and I heard her car screeching to a sudden stop.
I blacked out.
I opened my eyes. The left side of this next image was mostly the beautiful navy sky with random stars here and there. The right side was Fe. Her black jacket, white shirt, and her awesome cross necklace. Then my blood. She wiped the side of my head and more blood. She looked down at my hands and opened her mouth but hesitation shined through her teeth as she looked down confused at what to do. I asked her what happened and she said that I walked in front of the car and she tried to stop but she hit me. What?...I didn't remember. I panicked immediately and started crying. I started moving one body part at a time to see what was left of me. My left thumb was throbbing, I could feel my blood dripping fast down the right side of my head into my ear and my hair. My left leg seemed fine but my right thigh burned horribly! Fe rubbed slightly against my right thigh and I cringed in pain. I remember telling her, "Your touching my thigh, it hurts. Don't touch my thigh." I heard Bobbi asking if i was okay, oh no, Bobbi! She seen everything. I felt guilt rushing in. I looked up to her and she was crying and begging to know if I was okay. Fe told her to call 911 and for them to send an ambulance right away. I knew I had to be strong so for Bobbi so I told her that I was okay that it didn't hurt so bad even though moments before I was telling Fe that it hurt. I made Fe hold onto my hand. I blacked out for some moments after but I remember asking Fe to go to the hospital and to stay with me there. I asked her to promise me that she'd stay no matter what so she did. I knew she wasn't lieing. I don't know how much time passed but I remember hearing the ambulance and Bobbi telling them they went the wrong way and to go back but go straight. After blacking out some more I remember being surrounded my officers, fire fighters, and EMTs but Fe's hand was gone. I kept saying her name as loud as I could but no one was saying anything back. The lady to my left asked me questions about my self and the officer asked me what happened. I remember repeating the story multiple times. When Fe and Bobbi were finally around I kept telling them I was sorry. Bobbi cried and told me it wasn't my fault. Fe just smiled at me and said it was alright, not to worry about it. Fe was staying strong for me. How could she do it? I heard ripping down by my feet and Bobbi said, "You know, kay, that they're cutting your only skinny jeans." It hit me then..."Your fucking cutting my skinny jeans? Are you serious right now dude? OMG my skinny jeans! I loved these things!" Or something like that. Blacking out some more...
The old man showed up then. He owned the land we were on and he was just standing there still as a statue staring down at me. I froze and all I could do was stare right back. The officer told him to leave but he wouldn't budge. He told the man that if he didn't leave they'd have to arrest him. Fe later on told me that she told him I wasn't from here but he kept saying that I looked pretty damn familiar. All I know is that he looked dead up like my Papaw...who has been dead for a while. Same hat, and same clothes.
When they tried to put me on a board to get me into the ambulance I remember screaming in pain because they kept touching my thigh and it hurt the worst. The rest of my body had slowly started numbing which would have worried me but I just wanted the pain to stop. After getting into the ambulance the lady that was to my left on the cold ground started cleaning me up. She scraped my cut and i started screaming in pain. I gave her all my information and tried to keep still while we drove over the bumpy path. So i made conversation...
"You know that girl Felecia, my friend?"
"Yea"
"I like her a lot."
"Oh yea?"
"I was thinking about asking her to the movies this weekend. You think Ill be pretty enough."
Laugh. "Idk maybe. You are very beautiful now honey."
"Thanks...well i hope she says yes. I've been wanting to ask her out. Shes cute as hell, I swear. She held my hand until you guys got here."
"Sounds like a good friend you got there."
"Well I know I look bad and it might be from pity but I don't care, as long as she says yes."
Another laugh.
Blacked out again.
I don't remember much about the hospital. A lot of screaming, a lot of pain, and a lot of x-rays. I know I screamed for Fe the whole time. My mom said things about bobbi and jamie and my brother but not Fe. Where was she? Was she okay? I had no fucking clue and this killed me. By the time I was done with the x-rays and stuff I got to see Bobbi and Jamie. WHERE IN THE FUCK WAS FELECIA? I was PISSED OFF. I went completely off. Screaming, jerking around, and the nurse threatened to sedate me if I didn't calm down. I didn't give a fuck anymore. I just got hit by a car and she thought she could threaten me with drugs? This nurse was retarded. My mom said Miss and Fe got in a fight because Fe wouldn't leave. =] She kept her promise to me. She stood up for the promise she gave me. I needed to talk to her so my mom let me call her. She was gone. The doc made her leave. HELL NO! I got off the phone, let all the anger just fill me completely up, looked at my mom and said, "You said she was outside. She left?! WHAT?!" I was in tears again. The doc came in and this bitch nurse and started scrubbing at my eye. They had to wipe all the dry blood away so they could glue it shut. Once he touched me Fe was out of my mind and fear was in. I clutched onto the hospital bed rails, tightened up all my muscles, and screamed as loud as I could as the fear and pain ran down my face in a unstoppable flood. He said he could inject it and numb it but no way was a fucking needle going into my face right now. FUCK THAT SHIT! I told him to just clean it and glue it shut. As the bitch nurse told me not to move and the doc told me it was almost done and that I was doing well I thought about how ugly I'd look at school the next day. After the pain and tears and my mom cringing at the sound of my screams I asked if I was going to school. Bobbi and her laughed and said I wouldn't be going for the rest of the week. Well there you go! The doc let me leave so i waited as my mom got the car and a nice nurse went to get me a wheel chair. Fuck...I had a thong on and my ass was hanging out of this dress thing...shit. Thank gosh for blankets. I got in the wheel chair wrapped in a thin white hospital blanket and was rolled to the doors. I waited patiently and got into my jetta with a huge lump in my throat. I wanted to hurry and get the hell out of this car.
I rolled away with not one stitch. I had no broken anything or fractures. I received a sprang left thumb, a cut above my right eye, a messed up and swollen left knee and a painful right thigh filled with blood and swollen to the size of 2 softballs. I was their miracle. I should have died in that field.
It's November 7th now-saturday-and it's 9:58 at night. Not a lot of people have came to see me but Fe has managed to see me every day. It's not near as long as I want it to be but theres only so much you can expect from someone. I guess I have too big a heart. Felecia, Bobbi, and I are the only ones that will ever understand what happened in that field that night. Bobbi hasn't been so strong but I know she cares with all her heart about me and she checks up on me constantly. I haven't seen her this week but I think it would be too hard to anyway. Every time i fall asleep I have nightmares that wake me up crying, sweating, shaking, and breathing fast. With medicine I can sleep for hours but without it, I can sleep as less as 5 minutes before I wake up scared shitless. I have flashbacks through out the day constantly. It was every 30 seconds but now it's every few minutes. When Fe is around I don't have flashbacks or nightmares. I'm free from the fear that holds me from living my life the way I want. I need Fe more than I want to ever need anybody. I don't need anybody in life but damn this girl has me. I like her a lot but I don't need her for that. I need her because shes a part of my life now. This accident, this fear is now most of who I am and will be for a long while and Fe is a part of that and will be a part of me as long as it is. She hides it from me and I don't think about it when shes around but it's getting to the point where she has no fear in her expressions. I feel as if shes not hurt by this. The way she seems so carefree and just untouched by the accident it seems horrifying. She said she felt horrible once. I feel so guilty but I'm convinced she doesn't. I'm convinced she doesn't care about me, about what happened. Shes untouched, doesn't feel guilty, doesn't feel scared, doesn't feel upset that i was so close to death. I'm convinced she doesn't give a shit. Anyone can say they care but not a lot will really SHOW it to you. I need it to be shown by her. She's open but not with her heart. She doesn't show a lot of people herself, completely to the core, but she will show me. It might not be soon but I will not give up on her. I know i will get over this wall she has built up and it will be worth the tears, the anger, and the confusion shes causing me. I know, i just know she cares and shes just as upset and hurt as I am I just haven't seen it yet. But I have faith that i will. I need Fe and tuesday night she became one of the most important people in my life. She's going through a lot and I plan to be here through it all. I won't let her out of my life. Ive said some things out of anger but I'm not strong enough to stay away from her. She needs me too. Maybe she doesn't know it and maybe its not near as much as I need her but in a way she does. Fe is a really incredible person and my goal is to climb over that wall of hers. Until then I'm happy to see her for a little while a day, just having her smile close and the flashbacks far back in my head for a minute is enough to satisfy me. A lot of people say a lot of negative things about her but these people don't know her or never cared enough to try to figure out who Fe really is. Unlucky sons of bitches.
I have therapy wednesday. What happened tuesday night is my worst nightmare and it's as real as anything. I'll be spending however long getting over my tramatic experience and I could use as much help as I can get.
November 3rd-Tuesday-I'm supposed to give blood right after school. For the first time in my life I have gotten sick from a flu shot and therefore I am congested. Therefore I cannot give blood. Kinda glad I couldn't because I chose the complicated one. I was told they take twice as much blood, separate it into this complicated shit and then put back in you whatever they don't need. Guess I'm kinda luck.
A little after 5pm...Texting Felecia. She's just home and I really want to see her. I asked if she wanted me to come over even though I knew the answer..."sure". I'm just kinda sitting around in her room while she cleans up which is usually what i do when I'm over there. I think it makes her nervous...she continues for the next hour to ask, "are you hungry?", "can i get you anything?", "are you sure your not hungry?" It's pretty adorable. &The rest of the time she just glances up at me, smiles, and finds another thing to do. This is only when she's not staring at herself in the mirror and combing her hair with her fingers. Eventually she starts naming stuff in her kitchen thinking I'll actually eat something. I'm sure Ill say no to every thing but then she says peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I'm stuck in her bathroom, where I was standing, lean back and smile. So she fixed me a peanut butter sandwich {without the nasty jelly} on wheat bread and a glass of skim milk...my fav. She doesn't know this but I've always hated wheat bread and pretty much anything wheat but it's not so bad when she makes it.
Bobbi keeps hitting up my phone, wanting us to come over so I hurry to finish eating and Fe hurries to finish whatever else she was doing...i thought she was already done cleaning a while before. I'm sick of driving and whenever fe and I hang out we always take my car so i asked if we could take hers instead. I like the sound of her car...and I LOVE her sunroof. Id prefer to drive in her car anyday. Shes got a really good taste in music so i like whatever she puts on, the windows are down, the sunroof open :), and the loud sound of her car drowns out the sucky thoughts running through my head. Looking at me from the outside I might seem uncomfortable, upset, and like I'm ignoring the person or something but I just wanted to relax. I love closing my eyes, feeling the cold wind against me and the music blaring in my ears. Its amazing. One of those moment things I live for.
Finally to Charlestown we passed a cop on the right so Fe tried to figure out whether she had her brights on or not...??? Idk. As I'm sitting up as far as i can trying to read the street name signs so we don't pass up Bobbi's i told her to pass the slow ass truck in front of us n that she could make it. Mistake. Her car is a cop magnet. She sped up to pass the truck so we wouldn't miss the street but the cop was behind her. She got her 2nd speeding ticket for the week. I felt HORRIBLE! We eventually make it to Bobbi's street and she had already started walking up the road. Fe convinced Bobbi to trust her and sat on her trunk why Fe proceeded to slowly drive up to her house. We left the car at Bobbi's and started walking to our destination. Our destination? I have no clue. Bobbi said she had a secret place that she wanted to show us, well preferably me. We got about a block and a half down and started arguing about just how far this place was. It was freezing out so Fe ran to get her car and Bobbi and I walked slowly back with each other & talking about Fe. Bobbi said that she was really awesome and all I could do was smile and agree. She pulled up and I opened the door for Bobbi. We drove up the curvy road which made us crack up a little bit for no reason at all but that were complete idiots. I love these guys.... We drove up this path and Bobbi started yelling at Felecia to pull over and park but Fe wanted to just drive all the way there. Bobbi freaked saying that we weren't allowed to be there and Fe's car was too loud so we had to park on the side trail. We left the car and continued to walk in the freezing cold to some place that no one knew about except hyper ass Bobbi Joe. We got up that path and turned right. There was a freaky corn field on our left. Bobbi n Fe were joking about "Children of the Corn" but i have never seen it so I was just scared of the dark. Fe ran into the field and continued to run through. Bobbi and I just stared into the corn and tried to keep track of where she was. For a moment I freaked and told Bobbi that I felt like this was a bad idea and that we should turn around. I told her that I felt in my gut that something bad was going to happen and that every time in the past that i felt this way, something horrible happened. She said it was all going to be alright and for some reason I couldn't say anymore, like i had to keep going and had to trust that she was right. Bobbi started yelling at Fe that there was a little creek coming up so she should come out. It's not until she seen some kind of animal run in front of her and until she got slapped in the face with a cob or corn that she finally came out. I wrapped my arms around Fe and she started complaining about how I got her sick. "Not my problem that you can't stay off of me." Was my pretty cute response. She smiled at me and asked, "wanna bet?" "No, no I don't." The last thing I wanted was for her to stay off of me when it was freezing cold in this open field and we were in the dark. We passed this small patch of forest on out left and the next thing I know, Bobbi stops, points out the the left and says, "Look kay."
I can still see it now, the moon. It was the most beautiful sight I've ever seen of the moon. It was a completely open field. No trees, poles, or buildings in the way of it. There were small mists of clouds crossing the front of the moon. One on the top crossing it completely, one in the middle crossing just through the middle but more to the left, and one on the bottom crossing it completely like the cloud on top but stopping a little shorter at the right end of the moon. The moon was full and the biggest i've ever seen it. It filled the sky that night. &The color was absolutely gorgeous. Like it caught the perfect orange/yellow tint of the sunset and held on to it for the night. Fe was joking around but I told her nicely to shut up and to just not ruin this moment for me. Bobbi is my sister. I'm leaving for Vietnam at the beginning of the year and I wasn't sure how long I'm staying for so she wanted to show me this before i left because she knew i'd appreciate this earth and it's beautiful creations more than anyone else. After i couldn't feel my legs any longer we started to walk back. For a short moment I ran because i was freezing then stopped when my breathing peaked. I felt an asthma attack coming on. Fe started being cute and ran off somewhere. I don't know where, I wasn't paying any attention to her. Bobbi and I walked until I ran off the side of the path and started throwing up. I knew this was going to be bad. My breaths started to shorten and my stomach was turning. Every few minutes I was throwing up again and coughing my lungs up. I clutched my collar and begged for air to fill my lungs. You never know how precious every breathe is to you and how satisfying it is when air fills your lungs until it's taken away from you. It was the scariest thing that has happened to me, having an asthma attack that is. I told Bobbi i was alright even tho i knew I wasn't but she called Fe anyway and told her I was sick and to hurry and get her car. Bobbi knew I'd have to go to the hospital or I wouldn't make it through the night without my breathing machine or an inhaler. Bobbi was standing on the left side of the path now {right side from when we were walking toward the secret place}. I seen Fe driving really slow up the path and turn right, continuing slowly toward us. Her car sounded like she was going extremely fast but I knew she was probably going barely 15 mph. I felt some more coughs coming and ran to the other side of the path and threw up close the the creek. I was far enough that Fe couldn't see me. Last I looked she was so far away and throwing up I thought Id only took a sec. I knew id have to be on the other side of the path to get in so I started to walk toward Bobbi. At this point I was no longer in control of myself. I couldn't feel my legs or my body. I felt like I HAD to cross that street like it was impulse. Like someone coming at you, you flinch. Or if you trip you move your hands and arms in front of you to catch your fall. You can't control it. At this point your body has taken over you by impulse. When I reached the middle of the path, time froze. I was hunched over still from throwing up. I seen Fe's headlights right by my legs and I heard her car screeching to a sudden stop.
I blacked out.
I opened my eyes. The left side of this next image was mostly the beautiful navy sky with random stars here and there. The right side was Fe. Her black jacket, white shirt, and her awesome cross necklace. Then my blood. She wiped the side of my head and more blood. She looked down at my hands and opened her mouth but hesitation shined through her teeth as she looked down confused at what to do. I asked her what happened and she said that I walked in front of the car and she tried to stop but she hit me. What?...I didn't remember. I panicked immediately and started crying. I started moving one body part at a time to see what was left of me. My left thumb was throbbing, I could feel my blood dripping fast down the right side of my head into my ear and my hair. My left leg seemed fine but my right thigh burned horribly! Fe rubbed slightly against my right thigh and I cringed in pain. I remember telling her, "Your touching my thigh, it hurts. Don't touch my thigh." I heard Bobbi asking if i was okay, oh no, Bobbi! She seen everything. I felt guilt rushing in. I looked up to her and she was crying and begging to know if I was okay. Fe told her to call 911 and for them to send an ambulance right away. I knew I had to be strong so for Bobbi so I told her that I was okay that it didn't hurt so bad even though moments before I was telling Fe that it hurt. I made Fe hold onto my hand. I blacked out for some moments after but I remember asking Fe to go to the hospital and to stay with me there. I asked her to promise me that she'd stay no matter what so she did. I knew she wasn't lieing. I don't know how much time passed but I remember hearing the ambulance and Bobbi telling them they went the wrong way and to go back but go straight. After blacking out some more I remember being surrounded my officers, fire fighters, and EMTs but Fe's hand was gone. I kept saying her name as loud as I could but no one was saying anything back. The lady to my left asked me questions about my self and the officer asked me what happened. I remember repeating the story multiple times. When Fe and Bobbi were finally around I kept telling them I was sorry. Bobbi cried and told me it wasn't my fault. Fe just smiled at me and said it was alright, not to worry about it. Fe was staying strong for me. How could she do it? I heard ripping down by my feet and Bobbi said, "You know, kay, that they're cutting your only skinny jeans." It hit me then..."Your fucking cutting my skinny jeans? Are you serious right now dude? OMG my skinny jeans! I loved these things!" Or something like that. Blacking out some more...
The old man showed up then. He owned the land we were on and he was just standing there still as a statue staring down at me. I froze and all I could do was stare right back. The officer told him to leave but he wouldn't budge. He told the man that if he didn't leave they'd have to arrest him. Fe later on told me that she told him I wasn't from here but he kept saying that I looked pretty damn familiar. All I know is that he looked dead up like my Papaw...who has been dead for a while. Same hat, and same clothes.
When they tried to put me on a board to get me into the ambulance I remember screaming in pain because they kept touching my thigh and it hurt the worst. The rest of my body had slowly started numbing which would have worried me but I just wanted the pain to stop. After getting into the ambulance the lady that was to my left on the cold ground started cleaning me up. She scraped my cut and i started screaming in pain. I gave her all my information and tried to keep still while we drove over the bumpy path. So i made conversation...
"You know that girl Felecia, my friend?"
"Yea"
"I like her a lot."
"Oh yea?"
"I was thinking about asking her to the movies this weekend. You think Ill be pretty enough."
Laugh. "Idk maybe. You are very beautiful now honey."
"Thanks...well i hope she says yes. I've been wanting to ask her out. Shes cute as hell, I swear. She held my hand until you guys got here."
"Sounds like a good friend you got there."
"Well I know I look bad and it might be from pity but I don't care, as long as she says yes."
Another laugh.
Blacked out again.
I don't remember much about the hospital. A lot of screaming, a lot of pain, and a lot of x-rays. I know I screamed for Fe the whole time. My mom said things about bobbi and jamie and my brother but not Fe. Where was she? Was she okay? I had no fucking clue and this killed me. By the time I was done with the x-rays and stuff I got to see Bobbi and Jamie. WHERE IN THE FUCK WAS FELECIA? I was PISSED OFF. I went completely off. Screaming, jerking around, and the nurse threatened to sedate me if I didn't calm down. I didn't give a fuck anymore. I just got hit by a car and she thought she could threaten me with drugs? This nurse was retarded. My mom said Miss and Fe got in a fight because Fe wouldn't leave. =] She kept her promise to me. She stood up for the promise she gave me. I needed to talk to her so my mom let me call her. She was gone. The doc made her leave. HELL NO! I got off the phone, let all the anger just fill me completely up, looked at my mom and said, "You said she was outside. She left?! WHAT?!" I was in tears again. The doc came in and this bitch nurse and started scrubbing at my eye. They had to wipe all the dry blood away so they could glue it shut. Once he touched me Fe was out of my mind and fear was in. I clutched onto the hospital bed rails, tightened up all my muscles, and screamed as loud as I could as the fear and pain ran down my face in a unstoppable flood. He said he could inject it and numb it but no way was a fucking needle going into my face right now. FUCK THAT SHIT! I told him to just clean it and glue it shut. As the bitch nurse told me not to move and the doc told me it was almost done and that I was doing well I thought about how ugly I'd look at school the next day. After the pain and tears and my mom cringing at the sound of my screams I asked if I was going to school. Bobbi and her laughed and said I wouldn't be going for the rest of the week. Well there you go! The doc let me leave so i waited as my mom got the car and a nice nurse went to get me a wheel chair. Fuck...I had a thong on and my ass was hanging out of this dress thing...shit. Thank gosh for blankets. I got in the wheel chair wrapped in a thin white hospital blanket and was rolled to the doors. I waited patiently and got into my jetta with a huge lump in my throat. I wanted to hurry and get the hell out of this car.
I rolled away with not one stitch. I had no broken anything or fractures. I received a sprang left thumb, a cut above my right eye, a messed up and swollen left knee and a painful right thigh filled with blood and swollen to the size of 2 softballs. I was their miracle. I should have died in that field.
It's November 7th now-saturday-and it's 9:58 at night. Not a lot of people have came to see me but Fe has managed to see me every day. It's not near as long as I want it to be but theres only so much you can expect from someone. I guess I have too big a heart. Felecia, Bobbi, and I are the only ones that will ever understand what happened in that field that night. Bobbi hasn't been so strong but I know she cares with all her heart about me and she checks up on me constantly. I haven't seen her this week but I think it would be too hard to anyway. Every time i fall asleep I have nightmares that wake me up crying, sweating, shaking, and breathing fast. With medicine I can sleep for hours but without it, I can sleep as less as 5 minutes before I wake up scared shitless. I have flashbacks through out the day constantly. It was every 30 seconds but now it's every few minutes. When Fe is around I don't have flashbacks or nightmares. I'm free from the fear that holds me from living my life the way I want. I need Fe more than I want to ever need anybody. I don't need anybody in life but damn this girl has me. I like her a lot but I don't need her for that. I need her because shes a part of my life now. This accident, this fear is now most of who I am and will be for a long while and Fe is a part of that and will be a part of me as long as it is. She hides it from me and I don't think about it when shes around but it's getting to the point where she has no fear in her expressions. I feel as if shes not hurt by this. The way she seems so carefree and just untouched by the accident it seems horrifying. She said she felt horrible once. I feel so guilty but I'm convinced she doesn't. I'm convinced she doesn't care about me, about what happened. Shes untouched, doesn't feel guilty, doesn't feel scared, doesn't feel upset that i was so close to death. I'm convinced she doesn't give a shit. Anyone can say they care but not a lot will really SHOW it to you. I need it to be shown by her. She's open but not with her heart. She doesn't show a lot of people herself, completely to the core, but she will show me. It might not be soon but I will not give up on her. I know i will get over this wall she has built up and it will be worth the tears, the anger, and the confusion shes causing me. I know, i just know she cares and shes just as upset and hurt as I am I just haven't seen it yet. But I have faith that i will. I need Fe and tuesday night she became one of the most important people in my life. She's going through a lot and I plan to be here through it all. I won't let her out of my life. Ive said some things out of anger but I'm not strong enough to stay away from her. She needs me too. Maybe she doesn't know it and maybe its not near as much as I need her but in a way she does. Fe is a really incredible person and my goal is to climb over that wall of hers. Until then I'm happy to see her for a little while a day, just having her smile close and the flashbacks far back in my head for a minute is enough to satisfy me. A lot of people say a lot of negative things about her but these people don't know her or never cared enough to try to figure out who Fe really is. Unlucky sons of bitches.
I have therapy wednesday. What happened tuesday night is my worst nightmare and it's as real as anything. I'll be spending however long getting over my tramatic experience and I could use as much help as I can get.
Poem: These Days
Written August 22, 2009 {Myspace}
Part 1
Driving in the car alone.
Windows down, music blarring.
Concentrating on the road ahead,
and the wind in my hair.
Going to a place away from here,
this is my moment,
this is my home.
The musics on full volume,
but I hear nothing in my head.
&All I see is her.
The flip of her hair.
It's the perfect color of chocolate.
The way her face curves down to her chin.
&The grace of her blink.
All I see is her beautiful stare,
&that amazingly indescribably smile.
The way her lips pull back from her teeth.
It's flawless.
My favorite part...
when she's looking away
& she blinks. But her eyes
open and their on me.Those bright, but yet soft blue eyes.
Stare into them long enough
& you get lost.
Lost in a different world.
The most beautiful place you could
ever imagine.
Part 2
Laying in the tall green grass,
surrounded by pastel colored daisies.
No bugs, no itching.
Light breeze, the perfect temperature.
No sounds,
& a sky full of clouds,
open just enough to see a sky as blue
as her eyes.
&That feeling, and that moment
your lost in...is worth,
every tear.
every fight.
every disagreement.
&every hurtful word.
It's worth every minute I spend
laying in my room,
pitch black,
holding tight onto my pillow,
&crying uncontrollably.
It's worth feeling so alone that
you can almost feel death
approaching.
It's completely worth it because
when you look long enough into
those perfect blue eyes,
you get lost in the perfect moment
that she will give you one day.
So i'm here going through this pain,
these tears, these lonely nights,
for this perfect moment that
will make up for it all.
I live for this moment with her.
& This moment only.
Driving in the car alone.
Windows down, music blarring.
Concentrating on the road ahead,
and the wind in my hair.
Going to a place away from here,
this is my moment,
this is my home.
The musics on full volume,
but I hear nothing in my head.
&All I see is her.
The flip of her hair.
It's the perfect color of chocolate.
The way her face curves down to her chin.
&The grace of her blink.
All I see is her beautiful stare,
&that amazingly indescribably smile.
The way her lips pull back from her teeth.
It's flawless.
My favorite part...
when she's looking away
& she blinks. But her eyes
open and their on me.Those bright, but yet soft blue eyes.
Stare into them long enough
& you get lost.
Lost in a different world.
The most beautiful place you could
ever imagine.
Part 2
Laying in the tall green grass,
surrounded by pastel colored daisies.
No bugs, no itching.
Light breeze, the perfect temperature.
No sounds,
& a sky full of clouds,
open just enough to see a sky as blue
as her eyes.
&That feeling, and that moment
your lost in...is worth,
every tear.
every fight.
every disagreement.
&every hurtful word.
It's worth every minute I spend
laying in my room,
pitch black,
holding tight onto my pillow,
&crying uncontrollably.
It's worth feeling so alone that
you can almost feel death
approaching.
It's completely worth it because
when you look long enough into
those perfect blue eyes,
you get lost in the perfect moment
that she will give you one day.
So i'm here going through this pain,
these tears, these lonely nights,
for this perfect moment that
will make up for it all.
I live for this moment with her.
& This moment only.
Poem: Love
Written August 22, 2009 {Myspace}
Love
Like standing in an open field,
looking up at the perfect sunset.
Like being trapped at the bottom of a well and no one to hear your screams.
It's the electric shock up your arm when
they touch your hand.
&The weight pushing on your
knees when they kiss your lips.
It's everything you want in life
and all that you can't have.
It's the tears pushing their way
out when you realize how
perfect they are.
It's the tears they cause
when you feel less love from them
than you give off...
It's the helpless feeling because
their the only one that can stop
the tears they've caused.
It's the brightest candle in the
room and the sadest face in
the crowd.
Love has the most opposite sides
in the world.
The worst part..
you feel both.
&Yet it's the best part of your
life.
Love Sucks,
Period.
Love
Like standing in an open field,
looking up at the perfect sunset.
Like being trapped at the bottom of a well and no one to hear your screams.
It's the electric shock up your arm when
they touch your hand.
&The weight pushing on your
knees when they kiss your lips.
It's everything you want in life
and all that you can't have.
It's the tears pushing their way
out when you realize how
perfect they are.
It's the tears they cause
when you feel less love from them
than you give off...
It's the helpless feeling because
their the only one that can stop
the tears they've caused.
It's the brightest candle in the
room and the sadest face in
the crowd.
Love has the most opposite sides
in the world.
The worst part..
you feel both.
&Yet it's the best part of your
life.
Love Sucks,
Period.
Poem: Out of Control
Written August 20, 2009 {Myspace}
Out of Control
Standing back.
Watching it pass.
It's under your control.
I've lost my hold.
On life.
Going down hill.
Completely still.
Surrendering my heart.
It's falling apart.
Greed taking over.
Wish I seen him sober.
Razors covered in red.
Music blarring,
but nothing's in my head.
Sadness running down my face.
So much hate.
Hatred duplicates.
Everyday,
more and more.
Dirty looks.
Nasty words.
Is this a curse?
Finding love.
Thinking, this is enough,
for me,
in life.
Then waking to my own,
personal,
hell.
Whispering in the bedroom.
Thought I couldn't hear you?
I see through you.
All of you.
Acting like you care.
Life's so unfair.
Responsibilities over-rated.
It doesn't pay up.
Those guys with cups,
Waiting for a penny.
You've got many.
But one's too much,
to give up.
Green, green, green!
All it does,
it makes you mean.
Makes you blind to see,
what you've done,
what you've become...
To the ones that you loved.
Blinded by temporary smiles.
But we see the miles,
your headed toward.
Still want to move forward?
Believe me,
it's not pretty.
It's no mystery.
That you'll end,
at home,
alone.
Standing back.
Watching it pass.
It's under your control.
I've lost my hold.
On life.
Going down hill.
Completely still.
Surrendering my heart.
It's falling apart.
Greed taking over.
Wish I seen him sober.
Razors covered in red.
Music blarring,
but nothing's in my head.
Sadness running down my face.
So much hate.
Hatred duplicates.
Everyday,
more and more.
Dirty looks.
Nasty words.
Is this a curse?
Finding love.
Thinking, this is enough,
for me,
in life.
Then waking to my own,
personal,
hell.
Whispering in the bedroom.
Thought I couldn't hear you?
I see through you.
All of you.
Acting like you care.
Life's so unfair.
Responsibilities over-rated.
It doesn't pay up.
Those guys with cups,
Waiting for a penny.
You've got many.
But one's too much,
to give up.
Green, green, green!
All it does,
it makes you mean.
Makes you blind to see,
what you've done,
what you've become...
To the ones that you loved.
Blinded by temporary smiles.
But we see the miles,
your headed toward.
Still want to move forward?
Believe me,
it's not pretty.
It's no mystery.
That you'll end,
at home,
alone.
Poem: Hit
Written July 2, 2009 {Myspace}
Touch has no feeling.
Your breathing on me but I feel no air.
I'm standing in the road with no thought to move.
Your screaming my name but all I hear is the trees.
Leafs blowing all around me.
Birds chirping in the back ground.
Wind pulling at my hair from all directions.
Eyes closed.
The ground is torn from under my feet.
I'm flying.
Rain on my skin.
It all feels so calm.
Body's relaxing.
Life at a hault.
I hear the shrieking sound of your voice calling out.
I can't place the words.
Raising my eyelids.
Lights too bright.
I'm no longer moving.
All I see is the hood of a truck.
&The feel of that tree behind me.
Your breathing on me but I feel no air.
I'm standing in the road with no thought to move.
Your screaming my name but all I hear is the trees.
Leafs blowing all around me.
Birds chirping in the back ground.
Wind pulling at my hair from all directions.
Eyes closed.
The ground is torn from under my feet.
I'm flying.
Rain on my skin.
It all feels so calm.
Body's relaxing.
Life at a hault.
I hear the shrieking sound of your voice calling out.
I can't place the words.
Raising my eyelids.
Lights too bright.
I'm no longer moving.
All I see is the hood of a truck.
&The feel of that tree behind me.
Spilling the Peas
Written June 30, 2009 {Myspace}
So I feel I have the need to spill out some of my guts right now. My life is taking a pretty retarded and difficult turn and I kinda like it. My madre and her partner just broke up [[sorry to post this to everyone btw]], and its difficult taking it. I mean I'm glad to see my mom's happiness shining through but I also know the hard times to come. Yesterday Becca came over to take care of me because well the break up was going down and I wasn't feeling too well, but better than that morning. After my mom got back and she seen my mom throw a phone around the house, we kinda hung out together and it was amazing. No one I have ever been with can chill with my mom and me and have fun. Seriously?? This girl is the shit. For sure. So she had to go home but on the way I sang to the radio and yea I noticed her trying o get closer so she could hear me better.....smooth Becca...very smooth. Anyways, Becca says a lot that she feels like were in a movie or in this dream. You have no clue how good that makes me feel. HELLO! Movies and dreams are everything you love and want them to be. That means I'm doing everything right. I AM! ME! &Whenever I'm with someone I really like I try to be as sweet as possible and do anything to impress them. With Becca I don't worry about it. She likes me so much for who I am. I can sing horribly to a song, dance like I've never heard of the word before, make a complete fool of myself, be a bitch, be a smart ass, be me. &She still thinks I'm adorable.
So the first time Becca and me met. I yelled at my best friend. I was an idiot. I was serious, I was no goofball, I was not pretty. But she wanted to kiss me...ME! And wow are her kisses amazing. I mean she has these indescribable beautiful soft lips that I crave after every kiss. &Weirdly, she doesn't make me nervous in the since of butterflies and twisting stomachs. I love it. It might sound bad but I've had that with everyone I've been with...does it look like I'm with any of them?? No. The feeling got old. But with Becca its like turned around. The more we kiss the more powerful that feeling inside of me gets. Everytime I see her, its like our kisses and our connection is stronger. Sorry if im not doing too well describing all this but she really hard to fit words to. She nothing I've ever seen.
I'm completely into butchy girls. Becca is not butchy. She's not a label. She's not just some beautiful girl I made an exception to. She's none of that. She's just Becca. I can't explain it, you have to meet her. She's different. I couldn't relate her to anything or anyone. She hates tea and coffee. She loves mountain dew. She wears fuzzy socks. She's obsessed with one pair of shoes. She's a huge smart ass. She's the sweetest person I've ever met. She hates my favorite movie. She loves my favorite show. She's unpredictable. She's beautiful. She has the best memory. She's funny. She's energetic. She's athletic. She likes being outside. She loves music. She loves movies. She has many many stuffed animals. She likes knifes. She would do anything for me. She's already done so much for me.
I have no clue why I'm listening things about her but I never know why I do the things I do with her. She makes me feel so comfortable in my own skin. Ive told her so much about my past and I don't just spill those peas this early. I've told her things that no one else knows. She still likes me.
Yea I know, this girl is amazing huh?
We talk on the phone for hours.
We talk on the phone and IM each other on myspace.
She sings to me on the phone.
We text each other while on the phone.
I cry on the phone.
She gets angry on the phone. [[its fucking cute as hell!]]
She makes fun of the way I say monster and taco bell.
She's my lioness.
She likes when I sing in front of her.
She likes when I dance with her.
She rides her bike to see me.
She brought me taco bell one time.
She surprises me.
I never get surprised.
She understands me.
She comforts me.
She holds me.
Kisses me.
Hugs me.
Scratches my back.
I LOVE that.
She scratches my scalp.
THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY.
She runs her nails up and down my arms.
wow.
She gets along with my friends.
All my friends love her.
The rest want to meet her.
They'll love her too.
She draws.
She's amazing it at it. &I mean she is REALLY great at it.
She thinks playing the violin is hot.
I play the violin.
Her skin is as soft as butter.
She's the biggest cheese ball I have ever met.
She's always missing me.
I'm always missing her.
I'm fucking hot.
She knows that.
I like it.
Lol.
She laughs at everything.
I love hearing her laugh.
I make her laugh.
She makes me feel wanted.
She makes me happy.
She makes me feel special beyond belief.
She doesn't freak when I talk about ex's.
I don't freak when she talks about her's.
We talk about everything.
We don't get jealous.
We don't care about our pasts.
Were each others present.
We hope to be each others future.
I love her mom.
She's not the sweetest thing.
But she's nice to me and her reactions are funny.
&She seems like so much fun.
Becca writes poems.
Good poems.
I love reading them.
We have great minds.
Great minds think a like.
I can't think of anything else now.
I have to pack.
I'm moving.
To Europe.
I wish.
So the first time Becca and me met. I yelled at my best friend. I was an idiot. I was serious, I was no goofball, I was not pretty. But she wanted to kiss me...ME! And wow are her kisses amazing. I mean she has these indescribable beautiful soft lips that I crave after every kiss. &Weirdly, she doesn't make me nervous in the since of butterflies and twisting stomachs. I love it. It might sound bad but I've had that with everyone I've been with...does it look like I'm with any of them?? No. The feeling got old. But with Becca its like turned around. The more we kiss the more powerful that feeling inside of me gets. Everytime I see her, its like our kisses and our connection is stronger. Sorry if im not doing too well describing all this but she really hard to fit words to. She nothing I've ever seen.
I'm completely into butchy girls. Becca is not butchy. She's not a label. She's not just some beautiful girl I made an exception to. She's none of that. She's just Becca. I can't explain it, you have to meet her. She's different. I couldn't relate her to anything or anyone. She hates tea and coffee. She loves mountain dew. She wears fuzzy socks. She's obsessed with one pair of shoes. She's a huge smart ass. She's the sweetest person I've ever met. She hates my favorite movie. She loves my favorite show. She's unpredictable. She's beautiful. She has the best memory. She's funny. She's energetic. She's athletic. She likes being outside. She loves music. She loves movies. She has many many stuffed animals. She likes knifes. She would do anything for me. She's already done so much for me.
I have no clue why I'm listening things about her but I never know why I do the things I do with her. She makes me feel so comfortable in my own skin. Ive told her so much about my past and I don't just spill those peas this early. I've told her things that no one else knows. She still likes me.
Yea I know, this girl is amazing huh?
We talk on the phone for hours.
We talk on the phone and IM each other on myspace.
She sings to me on the phone.
We text each other while on the phone.
I cry on the phone.
She gets angry on the phone. [[its fucking cute as hell!]]
She makes fun of the way I say monster and taco bell.
She's my lioness.
She likes when I sing in front of her.
She likes when I dance with her.
She rides her bike to see me.
She brought me taco bell one time.
She surprises me.
I never get surprised.
She understands me.
She comforts me.
She holds me.
Kisses me.
Hugs me.
Scratches my back.
I LOVE that.
She scratches my scalp.
THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY.
She runs her nails up and down my arms.
wow.
She gets along with my friends.
All my friends love her.
The rest want to meet her.
They'll love her too.
She draws.
She's amazing it at it. &I mean she is REALLY great at it.
She thinks playing the violin is hot.
I play the violin.
Her skin is as soft as butter.
She's the biggest cheese ball I have ever met.
She's always missing me.
I'm always missing her.
I'm fucking hot.
She knows that.
I like it.
Lol.
She laughs at everything.
I love hearing her laugh.
I make her laugh.
She makes me feel wanted.
She makes me happy.
She makes me feel special beyond belief.
She doesn't freak when I talk about ex's.
I don't freak when she talks about her's.
We talk about everything.
We don't get jealous.
We don't care about our pasts.
Were each others present.
We hope to be each others future.
I love her mom.
She's not the sweetest thing.
But she's nice to me and her reactions are funny.
&She seems like so much fun.
Becca writes poems.
Good poems.
I love reading them.
We have great minds.
Great minds think a like.
I can't think of anything else now.
I have to pack.
I'm moving.
To Europe.
I wish.
Father's Day
Father's Day
Since my dad believed in a higher power (God) and believed in heaven and hell. Then he'll know I'm writing this I guess..
Happy Father's Day.
I love you, and I miss you more than you could stand to believe. This is the second year your not here for it but I'll light an incense for you, I promise. I know I don't believe in your God, but you did so that's enough for me to believe your seeing this. Things are going good with me so far but it's difficult without you here. I even sometimes forget your gone and that any day Nick and I will be going to Georgia to visit you for a while. But then i fall back into reality and yea sometimes it causes tears but for the most part I just think about our memories. I think some of us pushed the thought of Father's Day out of our heads because no one has mentioned it, or you. But I've been thinking about you all day. I miss you. Even though we were never on good terms, I'd rather be arguing with you now. More than ever I miss your dorky snake skin shoes and your hot pink shorts that you would put on to make me laugh. Even though I acted completely embarrassed, I laughed until I cried. Now Nick does it every now and then and he looks just like you. He's your mirror image. &I know I'm so much like Mom in millions of ways and I know you'd want me to be strong right now but sometimes you just have to let it all go and cry. I haven't cried in a while over you but today kinda ended that streak. I think the worst thing about it all is that I can't brag to you about how this summer is going so suprisingly well for me. I usually would want to tell my best friend but I just want to pick up the phone and call your number even though it's probably someone else's by now. I just really miss you. Everything about you. There's so much more I want to say, but since someone's going to be reading this, I want to keep it between you and me.
I love you so much Dad.
Happy Father's Day.
--Daddy's Little Girl
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About Me
- Lezbotastic
- Clarksville, IN, United States
- Kayla. Senior. Music is a part of everything in my life. I'm not scared to voice myself and I don't hide my life. I'm a proud lesbian & math geek. I'm obsessed with bacon, green monsters, piercings, tattoos, and my friends. I love poetry and anything that rhymes. I'm not scared to let it all out, just scared that no one will be here to catch it all.